A moment of honesty

So guys once again I haven’t been writing that much here, not because I don’t want to, but because I have a lot on my mind lately. I haven’t been feeling well at all. I haven’t been sleeping, I’m always tired, I have zero motivation to do anything, I just wanna be alone in my room (which is pretty much impossible considering I share a room with my brother). These fast few days have been bad. I feel like I’m slowly starting to fall again to that dark place. My family doesn’t know because I honestly feel like they don’t understand what I’m going through. They think depression is just something people use as to get attention and no matter what I tell them their day to day problems are always superior to mine. I hate the fact they have to compare my issues with there’s when not only is a age difference involved but also an illness that’s just as bad a physical one, so I just keep it to myself since that’s what I’ve always done. Even though there’s people that care about me I refuse to make them pity me, I refuse to give them more stress than they already have because that’s who I am as a person I’d do anything to help others yet when it comes to me I feel like can deal with it myself and I know that’s wrong

Waking up is such a struggle to me because I can’t find the motivation to even get off my bed and do something so I just lay there for hours just staring at the ceiling, losing myself in my thoughts. Oh, my thoughts, they are not good at all. I think about death, about how the life of my friends, and loved ones would be if I wasn’t in this world anymore. Even if it’s not true I feel like their lives would be better just because I feel I’m a burden. I think about how my life would be if I had made other choices, maybe I wouldn’t be where I am now, who knows I could have had my life together. In my 24 years I feel like I really haven’t accomplished much or nothing at all. In a few months I turn 25 and I feel like I’m stuck and life is just passing me by and all I can do is look at it.

It’s hard to pretend you’re okay when you really are not. Putting a mask on so that people don’t suspect. I feel like clown ( even though I’m terrified of them) all everyone sees are smiles but underneath that there’s just sadness, disappointment and fear. Fear that I’ll never accomplish anything, fear that I’ll never be good enough for anything, fear that I’ll always be a disgrace to my family. Every night I sit with my family to watch something on Netflix and I see them there laughing enjoying the moment and all I can do is fake a smile and hope that everything I’m feeling goes away.

Thanks for reading.