A Day In The Life Of An Anxious Person.

The alarm goes off at 7:00am but I’ve been awake 3 hours already. Laying in my bed I struggle to find the motivation to actually get up and start getting ready for work. Once I finally get ready the anxiety doesn’t stop it only gets worse. My mind starts replaying every mistake I’ve made, every screw up, everything I’ve fucked up even if it was something stupid. What this does is plant the idea that I will screw up at work today especially considering I have yet to do it since I’ve been here. The walk to work feels eternal and it’s only a 5 minute walk because deep down I don’t want to go, not because I don’t want to but because I feel like that day could be my last. In the morning meetings we have every day is hard for me to sit surrounded by so many people because even though I know them all and I consider some of them my friends thanks to anxiety I feel like they don’t like me and judge me behind my back. I’m not like them at all which makes me feel out of place.

I try to put a smile on face because I don’t want anyone to notice how bad I feel at work. As much as I love engaging with customers sometimes I panic around them because I feel like I might not do my job right or say something I shouldn’t and just end up messing up which would cost me my job. Some days I get anxiety attacks at work so I hide in the bathrooms to try to calm down and maintain my composure when I really just want to run and go back to my room. At the end of the work day I go back home and you would think it would be over but it never is…

This doesn’t only affect me at my job but also my social life. I want everyone to like me, I know it sounds a bit impossible but I constantly search for approval from people whether is face to face or on social media when in reality I don’t really need it.  I think about every worse possible scenario for every situation which stops me from going on dates, hanging out with friends or even engaging in conversation with a random person. I feel lonely all the time and I brought that on myself because it’s extremely hard for me to let people in because most of them don’t understand what I go through and it to some it may seem silly but to me is a real fears. I constantly go on social media and see people my age having kids, getting their dream jobs, getting married, buying their first home and it makes my head want to explode because I feel like such a shitty person for being jealous of them and I can’t help it.

The best thing I can do is stay away from everyone and get some sleep but sleep is always an issue for me. I only sleep 3-4 hours a day because even when my body is tired my mind is fully awake contemplating and digesting that everything that happened that day. My mind never seems to shut off it’s like I’m trapped in my spiraling thoughts. Hours staring at the ceiling the cycle continues all the way to the next day…

At present 40% of disability worldwide is due to depression and anxiety. The most recent Psychiatric Morbidity Survey indicates that there are 6 million people in the UK and 40 million adults in the US every year that suffer. Yes, anxiety disorder is treatable, yet only 36.9% of those suffering receive treatment.

 

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11:11

Here’s something I wrote a while back it’s probably not that good but whatever…

 

So here I am, sitting in my bed in the middle of the night

Asking myself many times if my decision was right.

Months have passed but the feelings are still there.

I feel like I’m going crazy. I swear I see you everywhere.

 

I always go back to the first time we met.

As soon as I saw you my heart was set.

We grew closer as the days passed.

It’s still hurts that we didn’t last.

 

But we were so different, stubborn and immature.

It created so much doubt it made us unsure.

I’ll forever be grateful for the time we shared.

But I can’t lie to myself, I feel despaired.

 

I miss you probably more than you miss me.

And that’s okay, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.

Thanks for everything, the tears, and the laughs.

For the all memories that will forever live in photographs.

Good bye, partying really is such sweet sorrow.

Maybe one day we’ll meet again, but I know it wont be tomorrow.

 

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Control…

I woke up hoping that today I would feel better but I don’t.

People tell me that I’m in control of my thoughts and that all I need is to think positive but really that’s not how it works. It’s not as easy as flipping a switch. No, it goes much deeper than that. I’ve tried to keep a positive mind and it works but just for a brief moment because then everything comes back at full force.

Lately I’ve been feeling worse. I’m not sleeping the amount of hours I should because of my overthinking. I haven’t been eaten a lot  either and I’m actually starting to feel like I’m close to having a meltdown and eventually just crash which is what I’m trying to avoid because I do not want it to affect my job or the relationship with my friends.

Once again I did what I promised myself I wouldn’t do which is keep things to myself and pretend like everything is okay in front of everyone just because I don’t wanna be a burden for them and don’t want them to worry. My motivation is on the floor and is so hard to keep up appearances it’s becoming exhausting.

All my insecurities are coming back too so I’m starting to feel worthless, unloved, ugly, stupid and weak again. I fucking hate it because I know deep down I’m not worthless. I am loved. I’m not stupid or weak but I can’t control it. The mind is so powerful it can either be your biggest ally or your worst enemy. Things from my past, that I worked through, accepted, and moved on from are affecting me again.

I’m fighting through it guys, I swear, but for how long can I do this? Nothing really seems to help except for writing and at the end of the day is just me in an empty room.

Guess I’ll keep fighting…

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Closing Time.

As the season draws to a close. it’s sadly time to say goodbye to a lot of my coworkers/family that are leaving and going back to their actual lives.

It’s amazing how quickly time passed but more surprising how quickly we all became a family. In the beginning I arrived with zero interest in getting to know anyone. All I wanted was to work, save money and eventually come back to PR but I guess life/God/destiny had other plans. I always considered myself a socially awkward person yet here I was forced to step out of my comfort zone.

As the days passed I started slowly talking to them, to the point I actually felt comfortable not just around them but in myself too. They became my muse, my reason to actually enjoy waking up early and going to work. These people made me step out of my comfort zone. Made me experience so many new things I never thought I would ever do and for that I’m forever grateful because for the first time in years I actually feel like I truly belong somewhere.

To be honest with you guys this was never my plan. I had a different plan back home. I was supposed to find a job, stay in my past relationship, move out, but like always, things never go as planned. Instead I did something risky and reckless that wasn’t even in my back up plan. I applied for a season job in Colorado. Away from everyone. No friends and no family to help me.  Just me and honestly is the best decision I’ve made so far. Yeah, I lost things and people I loved but sometimes we lose things because better things are coming and that’s the mindset I need to have.

A wise man once said “I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”

Thanks for all the memories and laughs. I hope that wherever the road leads you it’s filled with success and happiness and I hope our paths cross again in the future.

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Loss.

So, today I woke up and got ready for work just like any other day. As I was about to go to work I get a phone call with some surprising yet tragic news. A friend of mine, a brother, had committed suicide. He had lost his battle with depression and I couldn’t be more heartbroken. I admit I’m somewhat mad at him for what he did and part of me just wants to kick his ass because he deserved better, he had so much to live for, and so much potential.

Yeah, some of you might say that I’m being a selfish asshole because I “don’t understand what he was going through” but I do. He felt alone, insecure, unworthy, as if the weight of the world was crashing down on him and that’s exactly how I feel sometimes. What hurts is the fact that I feel like I could have done more for him. I’ve spent all day feeling not just sad but guilty, as if this outcome was my fault. I felt in a way selfish because I decided to leave and start a new chapter in my life and for a moment forgot about those I care about.

The only thing that kept me going today was my team. They were so supportive and comforting to me about the whole situation and it felt great knowing that I wasn’t alone. A lot of us just want some type of support from someone. You guys have no idea how a simple “I’m here for you”, “If you need to talk I’m here” can truly make a difference. I thought about how his last days must have been, feeling scared and alone because everyone forgot about him even me and that’s something I have to live with now. Guilt can be a bitch, especially if you let it consume you. I have to accept the fact that not everyone can be saved, no matter how hard I try.

I’m gonna miss you brother, thanks for all the good memories, all the laughs, the random conversations. I’m just glad you were part of my life. I couldn’t save you  and I am so sorry but I promise you that I’ll try my best to prevent someone from sharing the same fate as you.

Until we meet again.

If you or anyone you know is suffering from depression and/or shows signs of suicide PLEASE contact help. There’s a lot of help lines, myself included that are willing to help. Don’t fight this battle alone.

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The Woods.

I grabbed my backpack and headed out. I felt trapped in my own room, weird huh, you would think your room would be the only place you would feel comfortable and safe. My mind lately has been extremely active whether is overthinking or simply replaying memories I honestly don’t want to remember over and over. I needed to get out as soon as possible so I grabbed my headphones and started walking with no destination whatsoever. I walked over 3 miles looking for a place I could be myself and that’s when I found this trail. I decided to follow it all the way through. I walked for about 45 minutes and then decided to stop because my feet were killing me. I found myself surrounded by trees, no one around, not a sound.

For a few minutes I sat there quietly admiring the beauty and that’s when it hit me again.

*For those that don’t know most depressive people are “overthinkers” even about the simplest of things which also means we our mind makes escalate everything.

I started to feel anxious again. I started breathing faster and faster. My heart felt like it was gonna come out of my chest. Tears started coming out, I asked myself why was I feeling like this again, I just wanted it to stop. I closed my eyes and let my mind go.

So many things from my past came back to haunt me…

Heartbreaks…

Disappointments…

Humiliations…

Grudges…

Fears…

I needed to let all this go for real this time. I needed to stop lying to myself and just hiding them under a rug hoping that they will never come out again. I’m tired of dragging all this shit with me. I feel exhausted both physically and mentally. I thought about how far I’ve come, about how much I have grown these past years, about all the new experiences I have lived, and about the life I have now. I have a good life, I have a job I love. I’m surrounded by people who love and support me. I work with a group of amazing people that are quickly becoming a second family to me.

So why do I keep letting my past overshadow my present?

I opened my eyes.

I felt calmer, even my breathing slowed down.

Acceptance was the first step.

There I laid in the center of all those trees. Just me and my thoughts and for the first time in weeks I felt peaceful.

 

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#FaceToFace

Hey guys, welcome back. Yes, I’ve been absent from this and for that I apologize but I’m finally starting to have an actual social life with real people lol.

A few days ago I went on the bus to run a few errands and I noticed something I was to oblivious to notice before. The bus was pretty much completely full and everyone was sitting there on their phones. Now, you might think “well that’s not a big deal Jesse I do the same” but for once I asked and wondered how things use to be back then without technology.

Have we really reach that point where there’s zero social interaction with other people unless is on Facebook, Twitter, etc.?

What ever happened to striking up a conversation with someone face to face?

The bus ride was about 35 minutes and for those 35 minutes it was completely silence. No one even bothered to look to their side and see who was sitting next to them, say a simple “Hello” or even smiled at someone.

I’ve always been a shy person so striking up a conversation with someone is extremely hard for me but after seeing all these people on their phones I decided to at least try and talk to this lady that was sitting next to me. Let me tell you it was great. In a way I even felt proud of myself for taking that step.

Which is why I am making my own challenge called #FacetoFace which means that every day I will try to start a conversation with a random person I meet on the street, the bus, the store, or even at work. It would be great if you guys would actually be part of this and actually share with me your stories and experiences.

Anyways, until next time guys.

P.S: Now just so you guys know I am not bashing on technology or social media. I honestly love it.

 

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