Sorry for my absence, I’ve been dealing with a lot lately but I’m back for a bit so I decided to take the time and talk again about ANXIETY. Even though a lot of us understand what it is and how it affect us there’s still people that don’t which is why I decided to write a brief explanation of how it affects my life.
I’ve always had a hard time making friends and getting out of my comfort zone to the point that I don’t even try to talk and makes me look like I’m an antisocial piece of shit. Although I do have moments where I surprise myself and actually make friends (or the people are actually so damn patient and understanding that they decide to stick around) is still pretty hard to maintain that friendship with them. Why you ask? Okay, I’ve received so many invitations to go to dinner, hang out, etc and at first I’m all like “hell yeah sounds good” but on the day of, my anxiety begins to take up my whole space. I know a lot of you can relate when I say that anxiety over an event can become so draining that you feel as if you’re lacking the energy to go out. You realize this is happening, you feel it, and since you don’t want to be a burden you end up canceling everything, and staying home.
Yes, I struggle in holding a conversation with people, especially through messages because I automatically think they’re just talking to me cause they’re bored or cause they feel sorry for me but when I do manage to actually message people I immediately take blame for slow responses. I sometimes need to get a quick response back, not because I’m clingy or anything, but because I begin to panic and wonder if I said something wrong, they’re ignoring me or I fucked things up already. That feeling of guilt fucks me up. I tend to obsess over trivial things. It could be a simple word or the way someone looked at me for a second and I’ll be rewinding that moment for days. The hard truth is that I obsess over everything that has happened a week or even months ago.
I constantly think about the worst scenario rather than enjoying the moment like a normal person I will begin to picture and convince myself that the worst scenario is on it’s way. One example is when someone actually shows interest in me at first everything will be fine and then I start to overthink, and crate this scenario where they’re actually playing me and I need to protect myself which will lead to self sabotage and ultimately destroy any chance I had. Which leads me to beating myself up for every mistake I make. Mistakes are part of life and growing but the second I make a mistake it haunts me. My anxiety doesn’t know that it’s part of life, it only knows that it’s fucking bad! A lot of you can vouch for this: anxiety can come with a perfectionist complex. Most of us don’t want to compare our success to others but our anxiety makes us constantly scroll through social media and keep up to date with all the successful things our peers have done and it’s not their success that scares us but it’s wondering if we’re ever gonna have any success. The future scares me. I mean most people look forward to the future but someone like me is intimidated and frustrated by it. Dealing with the present is tough I can’t even imagine how much tougher the future is gonna be.
Fact: One of my biggest triggers is when someone notices that I’m not alright because if someone notices then it must mean I look worse than I thought.
Last but not least is what I think is the number problem I struggle with, sleeping. With so much racing through my head, I find it very difficult to go to bed at a decent time. I read online that those with anxiety are always up early because their anxiety clock begins to tick and once your anxiety switches on there is nothing you can do to turn it off, so they don’t go back to bed. Which leads to being to mentally tired to get out of bed. Even though my anxiety wakes me up early in the morning it still doesn’t mean that I’m ready to get up. Most days I’m just to mentally and physically tired to get out of my bed and just end up laying there staring at the ceiling wishing I could stay there forever.
And that’s pretty much it. I tried to write as simple and as relatable as I could. Hopefully this will help and for those who are part of my life I hope this helps you understand more why i am the way I am.
Thanks for reading.