A Tragic End…

My name doesn’t matter at this point.

I lived for 25 years and have been dead for 5. No, i was not murdered, or died in a tragic accident. I chose this, for reasons many of you may not understand. I did fought. I did give my best but it wasn’t good enough. I was just your average depressive, no friends, teenager. I always hoped that things would end up different and that I would live a normal life, go to college, have friends, eventually meet the love of my life and start my own family but I guess that wasn’t for me.

My story ended a hot summer Thursday night. I had gotten home early, there was no one around, like always. My mom was always working and my brother was always outside playing with his friends. I went straight to my room, locked the door and laid in my bed. As I stared at the ceiling my mind started overthinking like it does all the time. That’s one of the qualities I hate more of being depressed, was the fact that even the smallest things will affect you greatly. So there I was thinking about my day today, how once again I didn’t talked to anyone because my social anxiety doesn’t let me. How I heard and saw people talking about me, about how weird I was, about how I was always by myself and didn’t have one friend. I thought about how alone I felt even when surrounded by people. How I felt unloved even though some people did loved me. Tears started coming out, I wish I could have told someone how I felt but I kept stopping myself thinking that no one would care or I would be just a burden to them. I wanted help, but at the same time I didn’t. At that point I felt like a lost cause even though I wasn’t. It’s terrifying to reach that point where you think that death is not only the last option but the best.

I had given up on myself. After years of fighting I was done. I had made my mind and nothing was gonna change it. I deleted all my social media because I didn’t want to attract any attention, or get a bunch of hypocrites saying “oh he was such a good friend” when they never knew me. I got off my bed and went to the bathroom and grabbed a razor. I knew my mom or my brother could be back any minute so I decided to walk to the park. The whole park was empty, so i decided to sit under a tree for a few minutes. As I sat there I looked up at the sky, the view was amazing, so many stars, and felt the wind one more time caressing my skin.

This was it. The point of no return. I turned my phone off, rolled up my sleeves, and took the razor out. Here we go. One large cut on each arm, I felt pain one last time. I looked up at the sky one last time. I started to feel cold and my vision was fading. I was leaving this world that caused me so much pain and in the end I was still okay with it. I closed my eyes and that was it.

My name doesn’t matter at this point. I lived for 25 years and I’ve been dead for 5 but you are still alive, still fighting, don’t give up like I did because you’re stronger than I was.

I’ve seen many of you struggling and fighting, close to giving up, but I admire the fact that even after everything you didn’t give up like I did.

 

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A Year…(Season Finale)

Hey,

So today marks one year since I started this blog, and what a year it has been. Looking back at how far I’ve come it’s been quite a journey full of many changes and growth. A year ago I decided to make a random blog. I honestly had no idea what is was gonna be about all I knew is that I wanted to write and share it with people. During these months a year ago I was struggling with depression, anxiety, insecurities. It was a battle I honestly thought I wasn’t gonna win. October and November passed and I kept getting worse. I felt stuck, as if life was passing me by and I just stood there watching it go. I gave up at one point and when December came I decided to end it all but something stopped me and for some reason I decided to go to a psychiatric hospital and seek help. It was there that I found my inspiration. I shared my story with others and they shared theirs with me. I honestly can’t explain it but those weeks were eye opening for me. I saw people, adults and children going through a similar battle as me and we were all there for the same reason, to seek help. After those weeks I came out with a different mindset, I had found the actual inspiration for this blog.

January 2017 came along and things were going good for a while. My relationship with my family and my girlfriend got better, hell I even felt better myself, but the thing depression is it never really goes away, it’s a constant battle. By February I felt like I was falling back to my old state. It felt like things were starting to go downhill, as if the weight of the world was falling on me. I couldn’t find a job, I couldn’t go to college and my family was struggling with money and I couldn’t help. I was starting to feel like a burden to everyone. I felt like I wasted 24 years of my life by not accomplishing anything. It was like everyone I  knew was moving forward with their lives and I just was there, glued to the floor. I started to struggle again in all my relationships and once again felt that I was losing my grip. By March I was done with everything, I gave up on everything again. How was I supposed to help and inspire others when I couldn’t help myself? Then one day I was on my laptop looking for jobs and I stumbled on this website that was for jobs in the States so I decided to apply just to see if I got a call back and in a matter of 2 days I did and in less than two weeks I got a job in Colorado working at a place called Adventure Ridge.

A new journey had begun for me. It’s amazing how life works, how quickly plans change, how unexpectedly a door of opportunities opens. So, yeah I was going to Colorado but like most things in life, sacrifices must be made. I had to leave the people I love and my comfort zone for this. I was excited and scared about this. It was the first time I was gonna go on my own and be completely alone since I didn’t have any family members or friends in Colorado. Days passed pretty quickly it felt like the universe wanted me to leave as soon as possible. The day and it was time to say goodbye to everyone. I was never really good at goodbyes but honestly who is? I decided it was better if I just left without telling a lot of people. The longest day of my life was the day I left. It took me pretty much all day to get to Colorado, after four flights and a bus drive I was at my new home. It sucks how in less than 24 hours you already feel like you don’t belong here. The mind plays tricks on you and those insecurities start to take over, I was ready to give up and go home but I couldn’t because I thought this could me my only chance to actually grow and experience the world on my own.

The good thing about being in a new place is that you really don’t know what to expect. Things can either go wrong or better than you expect, lucky for me they went pretty good. I made “friends” the first day of training which surprised me because my social skills are pretty bad. Days passed and I kept making “friends” I guess I seemed like an approachable person, who knows. After training were all hand picked to be apart of a group/section of Adventure Ridge. Lucky for me the group I was chosen to be a part of was the group I needed to be in (this goes back to the whole “Life works in mysterious ways” thing) We all instantly clicked and quickly became a family, which is something that rarely happens to us. For the first time I felt like I belong somewhere, I was no longer an outcast but part of a family and it felt great. In my darkest moments they were all there for me, when I was close to giving up they didn’t let me and when I lost a friend they were my support and for that I’ll always be grateful to all of them.

During these months I experienced so many things that I thought I would never do. Despite my fear of heights I went zip lining, I went through a rope course that over 12 feet  from the ground, I went rock climbing and most important of all I found the beauty of nature and the outdoors. You would think “it’s just heights what’s the big deal of all this?” Here’s the thing how would you feel that after living your life in fear for so many years you finally overcome some of them, you know how you would feel? Like you can do anything you put your mind to, as if nothing can stop you and let me tell that feels fucking amazing.

As the season was coming to an end I made the decision to stay here and continue growing and working on myself. I feel like there’s so much left for me to experience and learn and for the first time I feel like I’m on the path I need to be. What have I gained from being here? New experiences, new memories, growth, self confidence, independence, friends, a new family, my muse, and a passion for photography.

So here’s to that first year of many to come on my journey and on this blog. Thank you guys so much for all the support you have given me through this journey.

 

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A Day In The Life Of An Anxious Person.

The alarm goes off at 7:00am but I’ve been awake 3 hours already. Laying in my bed I struggle to find the motivation to actually get up and start getting ready for work. Once I finally get ready the anxiety doesn’t stop it only gets worse. My mind starts replaying every mistake I’ve made, every screw up, everything I’ve fucked up even if it was something stupid. What this does is plant the idea that I will screw up at work today especially considering I have yet to do it since I’ve been here. The walk to work feels eternal and it’s only a 5 minute walk because deep down I don’t want to go, not because I don’t want to but because I feel like that day could be my last. In the morning meetings we have every day is hard for me to sit surrounded by so many people because even though I know them all and I consider some of them my friends thanks to anxiety I feel like they don’t like me and judge me behind my back. I’m not like them at all which makes me feel out of place.

I try to put a smile on face because I don’t want anyone to notice how bad I feel at work. As much as I love engaging with customers sometimes I panic around them because I feel like I might not do my job right or say something I shouldn’t and just end up messing up which would cost me my job. Some days I get anxiety attacks at work so I hide in the bathrooms to try to calm down and maintain my composure when I really just want to run and go back to my room. At the end of the work day I go back home and you would think it would be over but it never is…

This doesn’t only affect me at my job but also my social life. I want everyone to like me, I know it sounds a bit impossible but I constantly search for approval from people whether is face to face or on social media when in reality I don’t really need it.  I think about every worse possible scenario for every situation which stops me from going on dates, hanging out with friends or even engaging in conversation with a random person. I feel lonely all the time and I brought that on myself because it’s extremely hard for me to let people in because most of them don’t understand what I go through and it to some it may seem silly but to me is a real fears. I constantly go on social media and see people my age having kids, getting their dream jobs, getting married, buying their first home and it makes my head want to explode because I feel like such a shitty person for being jealous of them and I can’t help it.

The best thing I can do is stay away from everyone and get some sleep but sleep is always an issue for me. I only sleep 3-4 hours a day because even when my body is tired my mind is fully awake contemplating and digesting that everything that happened that day. My mind never seems to shut off it’s like I’m trapped in my spiraling thoughts. Hours staring at the ceiling the cycle continues all the way to the next day…

At present 40% of disability worldwide is due to depression and anxiety. The most recent Psychiatric Morbidity Survey indicates that there are 6 million people in the UK and 40 million adults in the US every year that suffer. Yes, anxiety disorder is treatable, yet only 36.9% of those suffering receive treatment.

 

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11:11

Here’s something I wrote a while back it’s probably not that good but whatever…

 

So here I am, sitting in my bed in the middle of the night

Asking myself many times if my decision was right.

Months have passed but the feelings are still there.

I feel like I’m going crazy. I swear I see you everywhere.

 

I always go back to the first time we met.

As soon as I saw you my heart was set.

We grew closer as the days passed.

It’s still hurts that we didn’t last.

 

But we were so different, stubborn and immature.

It created so much doubt it made us unsure.

I’ll forever be grateful for the time we shared.

But I can’t lie to myself, I feel despaired.

 

I miss you probably more than you miss me.

And that’s okay, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.

Thanks for everything, the tears, and the laughs.

For the all memories that will forever live in photographs.

Good bye, partying really is such sweet sorrow.

Maybe one day we’ll meet again, but I know it wont be tomorrow.

 

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Control…

I woke up hoping that today I would feel better but I don’t.

People tell me that I’m in control of my thoughts and that all I need is to think positive but really that’s not how it works. It’s not as easy as flipping a switch. No, it goes much deeper than that. I’ve tried to keep a positive mind and it works but just for a brief moment because then everything comes back at full force.

Lately I’ve been feeling worse. I’m not sleeping the amount of hours I should because of my overthinking. I haven’t been eaten a lot  either and I’m actually starting to feel like I’m close to having a meltdown and eventually just crash which is what I’m trying to avoid because I do not want it to affect my job or the relationship with my friends.

Once again I did what I promised myself I wouldn’t do which is keep things to myself and pretend like everything is okay in front of everyone just because I don’t wanna be a burden for them and don’t want them to worry. My motivation is on the floor and is so hard to keep up appearances it’s becoming exhausting.

All my insecurities are coming back too so I’m starting to feel worthless, unloved, ugly, stupid and weak again. I fucking hate it because I know deep down I’m not worthless. I am loved. I’m not stupid or weak but I can’t control it. The mind is so powerful it can either be your biggest ally or your worst enemy. Things from my past, that I worked through, accepted, and moved on from are affecting me again.

I’m fighting through it guys, I swear, but for how long can I do this? Nothing really seems to help except for writing and at the end of the day is just me in an empty room.

Guess I’ll keep fighting…

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Closing Time.

As the season draws to a close. it’s sadly time to say goodbye to a lot of my coworkers/family that are leaving and going back to their actual lives.

It’s amazing how quickly time passed but more surprising how quickly we all became a family. In the beginning I arrived with zero interest in getting to know anyone. All I wanted was to work, save money and eventually come back to PR but I guess life/God/destiny had other plans. I always considered myself a socially awkward person yet here I was forced to step out of my comfort zone.

As the days passed I started slowly talking to them, to the point I actually felt comfortable not just around them but in myself too. They became my muse, my reason to actually enjoy waking up early and going to work. These people made me step out of my comfort zone. Made me experience so many new things I never thought I would ever do and for that I’m forever grateful because for the first time in years I actually feel like I truly belong somewhere.

To be honest with you guys this was never my plan. I had a different plan back home. I was supposed to find a job, stay in my past relationship, move out, but like always, things never go as planned. Instead I did something risky and reckless that wasn’t even in my back up plan. I applied for a season job in Colorado. Away from everyone. No friends and no family to help me.  Just me and honestly is the best decision I’ve made so far. Yeah, I lost things and people I loved but sometimes we lose things because better things are coming and that’s the mindset I need to have.

A wise man once said “I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”

Thanks for all the memories and laughs. I hope that wherever the road leads you it’s filled with success and happiness and I hope our paths cross again in the future.

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Loss.

So, today I woke up and got ready for work just like any other day. As I was about to go to work I get a phone call with some surprising yet tragic news. A friend of mine, a brother, had committed suicide. He had lost his battle with depression and I couldn’t be more heartbroken. I admit I’m somewhat mad at him for what he did and part of me just wants to kick his ass because he deserved better, he had so much to live for, and so much potential.

Yeah, some of you might say that I’m being a selfish asshole because I “don’t understand what he was going through” but I do. He felt alone, insecure, unworthy, as if the weight of the world was crashing down on him and that’s exactly how I feel sometimes. What hurts is the fact that I feel like I could have done more for him. I’ve spent all day feeling not just sad but guilty, as if this outcome was my fault. I felt in a way selfish because I decided to leave and start a new chapter in my life and for a moment forgot about those I care about.

The only thing that kept me going today was my team. They were so supportive and comforting to me about the whole situation and it felt great knowing that I wasn’t alone. A lot of us just want some type of support from someone. You guys have no idea how a simple “I’m here for you”, “If you need to talk I’m here” can truly make a difference. I thought about how his last days must have been, feeling scared and alone because everyone forgot about him even me and that’s something I have to live with now. Guilt can be a bitch, especially if you let it consume you. I have to accept the fact that not everyone can be saved, no matter how hard I try.

I’m gonna miss you brother, thanks for all the good memories, all the laughs, the random conversations. I’m just glad you were part of my life. I couldn’t save you  and I am so sorry but I promise you that I’ll try my best to prevent someone from sharing the same fate as you.

Until we meet again.

If you or anyone you know is suffering from depression and/or shows signs of suicide PLEASE contact help. There’s a lot of help lines, myself included that are willing to help. Don’t fight this battle alone.

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