How Anxiety Affects My Life

Welcome back,

Sorry for my absence, I’ve been dealing with a lot lately but I’m back for a bit so I decided to take the time and talk again about ANXIETY. Even though a lot of us understand what it is and how it affect us there’s still people that don’t which is why I decided to write a brief explanation of how it affects my life.

I’ve always had a hard time making friends and getting out of my comfort zone to the point that I don’t even try to talk and makes me look like I’m an antisocial piece of shit. Although I do have moments where I surprise myself and actually make friends (or the people are actually so damn patient and understanding that they decide to stick around) is still pretty hard to maintain that friendship with them. Why you ask? Okay, I’ve received so many invitations to go to dinner, hang out, etc and at first I’m all like “hell yeah sounds good” but on the day of, my anxiety begins to take up my whole space. I know a lot of you can relate when I say that anxiety over an event can become so draining that you feel as if you’re lacking the energy to go out. You realize this is happening, you feel it, and since you don’t want to be a burden you end up canceling everything, and staying home.

Yes, I struggle in holding a conversation with people, especially through messages because I automatically think they’re just talking to me cause they’re bored or cause they feel sorry for me but when I do manage to actually message people I immediately take blame for slow responses. I sometimes need to get a quick response back, not because I’m clingy or anything, but because I begin to panic and wonder if I said something wrong, they’re ignoring me or I fucked things up already. That feeling of guilt fucks me up. I tend to obsess over trivial things. It could be a simple word or the way someone looked at me for a second and I’ll be rewinding that moment for days. The hard truth is that I obsess over everything that has happened  a week or even months ago.

I constantly think about the worst scenario rather than enjoying the moment like a normal person I will begin to picture and convince myself that the worst scenario is on it’s way. One example is when someone actually shows interest in me at first everything will be fine and then I start to overthink, and crate this scenario where they’re actually playing me and I need to protect myself which will lead to self sabotage and ultimately destroy any chance I had. Which leads me to beating myself up for every mistake I make. Mistakes are part of life and growing but the second I make a mistake it haunts me. My anxiety doesn’t know that it’s part of life, it only knows that it’s fucking bad! A lot of you can vouch for this: anxiety can come with a perfectionist complex. Most of us don’t want to compare our success to others but our anxiety makes us constantly scroll through social media and keep up to date with all the successful things our peers have done and it’s not their success that scares us but it’s wondering if we’re ever gonna have any success. The future scares me. I mean most people look forward to the future but someone like me is intimidated and frustrated by it. Dealing with the present is tough I can’t even imagine how much tougher the future is gonna be.

Fact: One of my biggest triggers is when someone notices that I’m not alright because if someone notices then it must mean I look worse than I thought.

Last but not least is what I think is the number problem I struggle with, sleeping. With so much racing through my head, I find it very difficult to go to bed at a decent time. I read online that those with anxiety are always up early because their anxiety clock begins to tick and once your anxiety switches on there is nothing you can do to turn it off, so they don’t go back to bed. Which leads to being to mentally tired to get out of bed. Even though my anxiety wakes me up early in the morning it still doesn’t mean that I’m ready to get up. Most days I’m just to mentally and physically tired to get out of my bed and just end up laying there staring at the ceiling wishing I could stay there forever.

And that’s pretty much it. I tried to write as simple and as relatable as I could. Hopefully this will help and for those who are part of my life I hope this helps you understand more why i am the way I am.

Thanks for reading.

 

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DAD.

Dad,

It’s been a while since we last talked. I don’t expect you to reach out to me after reading this and to be honest I hope you don’t. The reason that I write this letter to you is to finally let go of the past and have some type of closure in our chapter. These past few years have been quite interesting for me. I’ve grown so much, learned a lot about myself and everything around me. One of the things I learned a lot about was forgiveness. Even though I know your stubbornness gets the best of you I don’t expect any type of apology from you, but there things I do want to apologize for. I want to apologize for not being the son you wanted even though you never deserved me. For letting you make me feel like I wasn’t good enough, when I really am. For all those nights you made me sleep on the street and I kept coming back to you. For all those times you humiliated me and I simply just stood there. For believing that you were the hero of my story when really you were simply an antagonist. For going out of my way for your approval when in reality it didn’t mean anything. Most importantly I apologize for letting all this affect me even after all these years.

There are a few things I do have to thank you for. I want to thank you for being the kind of father you are because now more than ever I’m determined to be a better father than you’ll ever be. Thanks for all those times you said I was never gonna do anything in my life, because of that I have pushed myself more than ever and experienced so many things that you probably never won’t. Thanks for being the way you are because it showed me the kind of man I never want to be. If it weren’t for you I would have never learned to value all that mom has done for me and most importantly I am the best version of myself because of you.

As I write this letter I let go of the hate I had for you for years, of the thought of us starting over, of the image I had of you, of all the times I wanted to die because of you, of all the tears I wasted for you, and of our past. I truly do hope that wherever life takes you, you truly find happiness and peace.

 

Until never,

 

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My Catfish Story.

Through the years the way we meet people has changed. Back then people would actually had to interact with each other face to face but as the years passed technology evolved and that’s when apps like Facebook and Twitter were born. Yeah it has made it easier for all of us to interact, especially people like me that suffer from social anxiety, but it has also opened the door to others that use these gateways for other reasons like catfishing. Yeah, just like the show. Believe it or not the amount of people getting catfished keeps increasing every year.

What is a Catfish? It’s when someone lures you into a relationship but not with the actual person but with a fictional persona created by them. A persona made of fake names, stories with pictures of actual people. Scary, right? I mean you pretty much open up to someone, give them your trust just for you to be played by them. Many catfish relationships go on for even years because it builds a sense of comfort between you and the person you think you are with. Sometimes even the catfisher(???) actually develops feelings for the other person and decide not come out and be honest out of fear of rejection. The thing is the catfisher sometimes don’t even have bad intentions, sometimes they genuinely just want to feel loved by someone. Most of them are people who have a lot of insecurities or have been rejected so many times by how they look that they decide to be someone else just to be accepted (now that it’s something a lot of us can relate on a daily basis)

Unfortunately that wasn’t the case in my story…

Years ago, 2008 to be precise, back when My Space was the shit (good times, right?) I met this “girl”. Her name was Kiara Nicole Alvarez, a name that I would never forget even after all these years. Kiara sent me a friend request and I immediately accepted. A few days passed but I didn’t dare messaged her, insecurities and shit, you know? So eventually she sent me a message asking how I was and all that and of course I answered back as fast as I could. I mean come on a pretty girl was showing interest in ME out of everyone else. As the days passed we kept talking  until eventually it became a daily thing. I opened up to her and let her in, it was one of the biggest and stupidest mistakes I’ve ever done but I was young. Kiara knew pretty much everything about me, I would tell her about my days, about how I was bullied at school and made fun of because I was different and she made feel special, like I was worth a damn and that’s all I ever wanted.

Months passed and my feelings for her grew to the point that I actually told Kiara and she said she felt the same. One of the best feelings ever is when you tell the person you like how you truly feel about them and they feel the same. I was so happy, for once I thought that I was finally gonna be happy with someone. She was perfect, and yet there is no such thing. After months of talking through messages and even through the phone I decided it was time to finally meet face to face. I was confident that this was gonna be it for me. We agreed to meet in the movie theater near our houses. The date was set, our first encounter was going to be on a Saturday at 6. I remember that during that week I was so excited I bought new clothes, got a haircut and bought her flowers. Saturday came and I was ready to meet who I thought would be the love of my life. I decided to arrive early at the movie theater, get our tickets and wait for her outside. Six o clock came and she was nowhere to be seen. I texted her multiples times and multiple times she said she was on her way, so I waited with flowers in hand. Ten minutes turned into thirty minutes. I was starting to get worries I thought something bad had happened to her or that she had bailed on me and that’s when I heard it, that cruel laughter, a sound I would never forget. Four guys around my age, maybe older were all laughing in a mocking way. I was confused about what was happening and that’s when one of them said Kiara and my heart sunk. I have been played by these individuals that I didn’t even knew. I had opened up to them. Told them my fears, my thoughts and my past. Heartbroken and betrayed I dropped the roses I had bought for her and ran as far away as i could from them. My dream girl had turned into a nightmare.

The whole situation stuck with me through all these years as lesson. Nowadays you can’t really trust anyone you meet online, that’s why I’m more cautious about it because I refuse to go through that again and I hope no one ever does but I sadly I can’t save anyone. So that’s my story guys, thanks for reading and if you have your own catfish story I would love for you to share it with me.

 

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Caitlin.

The night was quiet and cold. The roads were empty not a single around and there she was, running. Her screams echoing down the roads, full of fear and desperation. There was nowhere to hide, it seemed like no matter how fast she ran whomever was chasing her would be right behind. Caitlin ran for what it seemed like forever, but she couldn’t escape it, part of her was starting to accept that her fate was sealed and that tonight would be her last night. She decided to head for the woods and hide or at least try to outrun the killer there.

Once there Caitlin hid between the bushes and covered her mouth trying to not make sound. As tears fell from her eyes she saw the shadow figure just a few feet away from her but they didn’t see her and eventually just continued it’s desperate search for his prey. Caitlin stayed there for ten minutes waiting to see if the figure would come back but it didn’t. She started to calm down and thought that she was finally safe, that the nightmare had ended and that’s when she felt that sharp painful blow.

As she fell to the ground her life flashed before her eyes. She saw all those moments she spent with her family. Every Christmas, Birthday, New Year’s and Thanksgivings. Little did she know that her life would end at 22. Caitlin remembered her friends, and how much they’ve been through together. Her boyfriend Jason, who had been her first and only boyfriend. They had plans to graduate college, get married and start a family together. For a moment everything went dark, when Caitlin opened her eyes again she saw her naked body covered in blood, her blood, she had been stabbed multiple times and beaten to the point where she could barely see from all the swelling. How can such a young girl with so much potential and a lot to live die this way. The World is a tragic unfair place for so many of us. As she looked up she saw the figure that was chasing her, a man. He grasped the bloody covered knife and smiled at her. She knew this was the end for her, so she took one last look at the beautiful night sky and felt that knife run through her throat with one final breath everything turns dark.

 

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Drives with thoughts #1

Last night I worked the 3-11 shift at my new job. Yeah, I forgot to tell you guys I got a job pretty much as soon as I got to Florida, I mean how fucking awesome is that, right? Anyways it’s almost a 2 hour drive to each destination so it actually gives me time to think about a lot of things and lose myself in my thoughts for a bit and I wanted to share with you guys what really stuck on me on my drive last night.

So have you guys ever thought about (and maybe it’s just me) how even in a simple way we somehow all are connected? Let me explain myself. On my way home I stopped at a gas station to buy some snacks for the road and came across this older gentleman who putting gas on his car, I kindly smiled and kept walking. As I was getting home I saw that older gentleman again, and it turns out he lives about 5 minutes from my house.

I’ve been always been a fan of those type of movies and books where the characters all have different storylines that eventually intertwine at some point and I feel like that’s exactly how life is. I ask myself every time I meet someone new how their life is, and if our paths cross each other before even in the simplest way. Whether it was in the line at the supermarket, on the road during traffic or even we went to see a movie the same day. Who knows maybe our paths have crossed and we didn’t noticed because we were distracted from what was happening around us.

By the way stay tuned for another post coming tonight!

Also I shall be making a new Instagram account to share my pictures with the world so if you are interested in following me there too keep an eye out for the username. Byeeee..

 

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Goodbyes and New Chapters.

I’ve never been great a goodbyes. To be honest I always tend to avoid as much as I can. Last night I had to say goodbye to pretty much everyone I met during the summer. These people became my only family in the 8 months I was in Colorado. I had grown accustomed to them, trusted them and even cared for them. Leaving was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in my 25 years of life because for the first time in many years I truly felt like I belonged somewhere. I wasn’t an outcast but an actual member of their group. They were there for me during my bad times and were still there for me all the way to the end and that’s what friendships are all about, right?

For days I tried to avoid saying my goodbyes to all of them. It would have been easier to just go without telling them anything but then I would have probably ended up as an asshole and they deserve better. So last night some of us met up and local spot in Vail and shared one last hang out together. It was full of so bittersweet and yet so full of laughter and joy. For a moment it honestly felt like time stood still and we were all just stuck in that never ending moment which I wish had lasted longer. After the many hugs, tears of our final goodbyes I headed home and finished packing. I laid on the floor for at least two more hours just reminiscing about my time in Colorado. I remembered how out of place and lost I felt in the beginning and how each week that feeling started changing. I was leaving my family again, and it hurt. Tears started coming out but they weren’t sad tears, but tears of joy. These people accomplished something that not many have, which was become part of my life.

As I’m on my way to the airport I take one last look at Colorado with a smile in my face. It was here where I learned a lot, where I grew, where I faced fears but most importantly where I learned what true friendship was. I hope that wherever life takes all of them will be full of success and happiness. Maybe it’s not really goodbye but see you later. Well plane is about to leave so thanks for reading.

2017

Hey everyone!

So we made it through another huh! It’s amazing how fast it went by. As 2017 draws to a close I decided to look back at the road I traveled this year. At all the changes and plot twists that happened. At all the people I lost this year and the new friends I gained and at all those moments where I felt like I wasn’t gonna make it through the rest of the year and yet here I am. This year has been quite interesting, from how it started to how it’s gonna end, it honestly never ceases to amaze me.

January to May: The Beginning

I was still in Puerto Rico, feeling trapped, unaccomplished, feeling a burden to others and worst of all I felt stuck as if no matter how much I tried I was destined to not do anything with my life and be a loser. I was starting to deal better with my depression, I was medicated and was going to therapy so I honestly felt like I was finally progressing. My relationship with my family had gotten better because I was actually communicating with them. For a moment things actually looked like they were gonna get better for me but like everything in life sometimes sacrifices must be made. As the months passed I started to feel worse, physically and mentally. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t think straight, I was starting to shut myself down from everything and everyone. I couldn’t find a job, no matter how qualified I was and it was starting to take a toll on me. At 24, I thought I was gonna have my life figured out or at least progressed a bit more, you know the usual, get married, have kids and find our little own place to live. I kept seeing everyone I knew progressing in their lives and I was happy for them, don’t get me wrong, but at the same time some jealousy started to come out. I honestly couldn’t take it anymore, I had to do something and fast. So I started applying for jobs online in different states. I was done with Puerto Rico, there was nothing there for me and even if it hurt I had to accept it. Eventually I found a job here in Colorado and that was the first unexpected twist in this year.

May to October: The Hard Times

Bags were packed and goodbyes were said. May 18th was the day a new chapter started for me. I was terrified because I honestly felt like I wouldn’t be able to do this on my own without any help. I had to leave my comfort zone, my family and everyone I ever cared about just because I had something to prove to them and myself. There was no going back now, I needed to do this for me. Things are never easy, especially in life, so if you think that as soon as I left things got better and dandy, you are so wrong. My first few months were hard. I wasn’t sleeping or eating at all. I felt homesick, scared and depressed. It was just me, on my own, surrounded by strangers, and I felt like I didn’t belong here at all, I thought to myself maybe this was a mistake.

I knew I couldn’t go back home, I mean why would I? I would have failed once more and accomplished nothing so I fought through it. As the months passed things started to get a bit better. I started making friends, I was getting good at my job, and for once I felt like things were actually starting to go my way but once again an unexpected twist happened. I lost someone I considered a brother to depression. I had woken up to a bunch of texts saying that he had committed suicide. It hit me hard, because weeks before he kept trying to call me and just to talk and kept pushing him off so of course there was a sense  of guilt and blame. I know most of you will probably say ” Oh Jesse, don’t blame yourself, he made his choice” but the thing is sometimes just talking to someone can make a difference. Who knows, maybe if I had actually talked to him he would still be here. For weeks I laid in my room alone letting my guilt drown me. I felt like I had not just failed him as a friend but I failed myself. I had promised that I would always be there to help those I care about especially when it comes to their mental health because I know how hard it is to face it alone and THE ONE time someone actually needed me to be there for them, I disappear. I started to feel worse than before. I ran out of medication, and the rebound was getting to me. Each day I was getting worse and worse to the point that people at my job were starting to notice. I wasn’t sleeping, eating, or socializing. It was just me in a dark room. I started to feel like death was the only escape. It was exhausting trying to keep up appearances around everyone, to the point that I tried to avoid work as much as possible. As the months passed I started to get worse. I was reaching my point of no return, which scared me because last time I reached that point I tried to commit suicide at least 4 times. The thought of death shrouded my mind. I could have ended it all so easy. A simple jump from my balcony, wrist cuts, or even taking some pills was all I needed to do and it would be over but part of me wasn’t ready for me to give up. I needed to fight this, and take control back of my life.

November to December: The Season Finale

A lot of things changed these months. A lot of my friends had gone back home to their lives. My little brother was here with me trying to work and succeed. I started to take my medication again and was starting to feel better. I had a new job and made new friends as well, once again things were starting get better for me but life had one last surprise for me. It’s true what they say, you never really know where life is gonna take you. One minute you have your life planned out and then BOOM plans change. I thought I was meant to stay here in Colorado and make a life for myself but things change. After overthinking for days, analyzing every outcome, and what’s better for me and my brother. I decided to move to Florida the beginning of next year. For a moment I thought it was a bad and reckless idea but after getting many signs I feel like it’s the best thing for me now.

The End:

Being here for these months has been a life changing experience for me. I learned so many things and met so many amazing people that have become family. Even with all the struggles and situations I went through there were some positive outcomes like personal growth, maturity, and experiences. There’s still 2 more days left before this year ends and I honestly can’t wait to see what 2018 has in store for me. Will it be another life changing year? Probably! Will there be struggles and obstacles for me? Hell yeah but whatever happens I’m ready to face it.

Here’s to us! For making it through another tough year!

Have a great New Year’s Eve and an even better New Year’s!

Stay Safe!

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