My Catfish Story.

Through the years the way we meet people has changed. Back then people would actually had to interact with each other face to face but as the years passed technology evolved and that’s when apps like Facebook and Twitter were born. Yeah it has made it easier for all of us to interact, especially people like me that suffer from social anxiety, but it has also opened the door to others that use these gateways for other reasons like catfishing. Yeah, just like the show. Believe it or not the amount of people getting catfished keeps increasing every year.

What is a Catfish? It’s when someone lures you into a relationship but not with the actual person but with a fictional persona created by them. A persona made of fake names, stories with pictures of actual people. Scary, right? I mean you pretty much open up to someone, give them your trust just for you to be played by them. Many catfish relationships go on for even years because it builds a sense of comfort between you and the person you think you are with. Sometimes even the catfisher(???) actually develops feelings for the other person and decide not come out and be honest out of fear of rejection. The thing is the catfisher sometimes don’t even have bad intentions, sometimes they genuinely just want to feel loved by someone. Most of them are people who have a lot of insecurities or have been rejected so many times by how they look that they decide to be someone else just to be accepted (now that it’s something a lot of us can relate on a daily basis)

Unfortunately that wasn’t the case in my story…

Years ago, 2008 to be precise, back when My Space was the shit (good times, right?) I met this “girl”. Her name was Kiara Nicole Alvarez, a name that I would never forget even after all these years. Kiara sent me a friend request and I immediately accepted. A few days passed but I didn’t dare messaged her, insecurities and shit, you know? So eventually she sent me a message asking how I was and all that and of course I answered back as fast as I could. I mean come on a pretty girl was showing interest in ME out of everyone else. As the days passed we kept talking  until eventually it became a daily thing. I opened up to her and let her in, it was one of the biggest and stupidest mistakes I’ve ever done but I was young. Kiara knew pretty much everything about me, I would tell her about my days, about how I was bullied at school and made fun of because I was different and she made feel special, like I was worth a damn and that’s all I ever wanted.

Months passed and my feelings for her grew to the point that I actually told Kiara and she said she felt the same. One of the best feelings ever is when you tell the person you like how you truly feel about them and they feel the same. I was so happy, for once I thought that I was finally gonna be happy with someone. She was perfect, and yet there is no such thing. After months of talking through messages and even through the phone I decided it was time to finally meet face to face. I was confident that this was gonna be it for me. We agreed to meet in the movie theater near our houses. The date was set, our first encounter was going to be on a Saturday at 6. I remember that during that week I was so excited I bought new clothes, got a haircut and bought her flowers. Saturday came and I was ready to meet who I thought would be the love of my life. I decided to arrive early at the movie theater, get our tickets and wait for her outside. Six o clock came and she was nowhere to be seen. I texted her multiples times and multiple times she said she was on her way, so I waited with flowers in hand. Ten minutes turned into thirty minutes. I was starting to get worries I thought something bad had happened to her or that she had bailed on me and that’s when I heard it, that cruel laughter, a sound I would never forget. Four guys around my age, maybe older were all laughing in a mocking way. I was confused about what was happening and that’s when one of them said Kiara and my heart sunk. I have been played by these individuals that I didn’t even knew. I had opened up to them. Told them my fears, my thoughts and my past. Heartbroken and betrayed I dropped the roses I had bought for her and ran as far away as i could from them. My dream girl had turned into a nightmare.

The whole situation stuck with me through all these years as lesson. Nowadays you can’t really trust anyone you meet online, that’s why I’m more cautious about it because I refuse to go through that again and I hope no one ever does but I sadly I can’t save anyone. So that’s my story guys, thanks for reading and if you have your own catfish story I would love for you to share it with me.

 

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Caitlin.

The night was quiet and cold. The roads were empty not a single around and there she was, running. Her screams echoing down the roads, full of fear and desperation. There was nowhere to hide, it seemed like no matter how fast she ran whomever was chasing her would be right behind. Caitlin ran for what it seemed like forever, but she couldn’t escape it, part of her was starting to accept that her fate was sealed and that tonight would be her last night. She decided to head for the woods and hide or at least try to outrun the killer there.

Once there Caitlin hid between the bushes and covered her mouth trying to not make sound. As tears fell from her eyes she saw the shadow figure just a few feet away from her but they didn’t see her and eventually just continued it’s desperate search for his prey. Caitlin stayed there for ten minutes waiting to see if the figure would come back but it didn’t. She started to calm down and thought that she was finally safe, that the nightmare had ended and that’s when she felt that sharp painful blow.

As she fell to the ground her life flashed before her eyes. She saw all those moments she spent with her family. Every Christmas, Birthday, New Year’s and Thanksgivings. Little did she know that her life would end at 22. Caitlin remembered her friends, and how much they’ve been through together. Her boyfriend Jason, who had been her first and only boyfriend. They had plans to graduate college, get married and start a family together. For a moment everything went dark, when Caitlin opened her eyes again she saw her naked body covered in blood, her blood, she had been stabbed multiple times and beaten to the point where she could barely see from all the swelling. How can such a young girl with so much potential and a lot to live die this way. The World is a tragic unfair place for so many of us. As she looked up she saw the figure that was chasing her, a man. He grasped the bloody covered knife and smiled at her. She knew this was the end for her, so she took one last look at the beautiful night sky and felt that knife run through her throat with one final breath everything turns dark.

 

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Drives with thoughts #1

Last night I worked the 3-11 shift at my new job. Yeah, I forgot to tell you guys I got a job pretty much as soon as I got to Florida, I mean how fucking awesome is that, right? Anyways it’s almost a 2 hour drive to each destination so it actually gives me time to think about a lot of things and lose myself in my thoughts for a bit and I wanted to share with you guys what really stuck on me on my drive last night.

So have you guys ever thought about (and maybe it’s just me) how even in a simple way we somehow all are connected? Let me explain myself. On my way home I stopped at a gas station to buy some snacks for the road and came across this older gentleman who putting gas on his car, I kindly smiled and kept walking. As I was getting home I saw that older gentleman again, and it turns out he lives about 5 minutes from my house.

I’ve been always been a fan of those type of movies and books where the characters all have different storylines that eventually intertwine at some point and I feel like that’s exactly how life is. I ask myself every time I meet someone new how their life is, and if our paths cross each other before even in the simplest way. Whether it was in the line at the supermarket, on the road during traffic or even we went to see a movie the same day. Who knows maybe our paths have crossed and we didn’t noticed because we were distracted from what was happening around us.

By the way stay tuned for another post coming tonight!

Also I shall be making a new Instagram account to share my pictures with the world so if you are interested in following me there too keep an eye out for the username. Byeeee..

 

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Goodbyes and New Chapters.

I’ve never been great a goodbyes. To be honest I always tend to avoid as much as I can. Last night I had to say goodbye to pretty much everyone I met during the summer. These people became my only family in the 8 months I was in Colorado. I had grown accustomed to them, trusted them and even cared for them. Leaving was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in my 25 years of life because for the first time in many years I truly felt like I belonged somewhere. I wasn’t an outcast but an actual member of their group. They were there for me during my bad times and were still there for me all the way to the end and that’s what friendships are all about, right?

For days I tried to avoid saying my goodbyes to all of them. It would have been easier to just go without telling them anything but then I would have probably ended up as an asshole and they deserve better. So last night some of us met up and local spot in Vail and shared one last hang out together. It was full of so bittersweet and yet so full of laughter and joy. For a moment it honestly felt like time stood still and we were all just stuck in that never ending moment which I wish had lasted longer. After the many hugs, tears of our final goodbyes I headed home and finished packing. I laid on the floor for at least two more hours just reminiscing about my time in Colorado. I remembered how out of place and lost I felt in the beginning and how each week that feeling started changing. I was leaving my family again, and it hurt. Tears started coming out but they weren’t sad tears, but tears of joy. These people accomplished something that not many have, which was become part of my life.

As I’m on my way to the airport I take one last look at Colorado with a smile in my face. It was here where I learned a lot, where I grew, where I faced fears but most importantly where I learned what true friendship was. I hope that wherever life takes all of them will be full of success and happiness. Maybe it’s not really goodbye but see you later. Well plane is about to leave so thanks for reading.

2017

Hey everyone!

So we made it through another huh! It’s amazing how fast it went by. As 2017 draws to a close I decided to look back at the road I traveled this year. At all the changes and plot twists that happened. At all the people I lost this year and the new friends I gained and at all those moments where I felt like I wasn’t gonna make it through the rest of the year and yet here I am. This year has been quite interesting, from how it started to how it’s gonna end, it honestly never ceases to amaze me.

January to May: The Beginning

I was still in Puerto Rico, feeling trapped, unaccomplished, feeling a burden to others and worst of all I felt stuck as if no matter how much I tried I was destined to not do anything with my life and be a loser. I was starting to deal better with my depression, I was medicated and was going to therapy so I honestly felt like I was finally progressing. My relationship with my family had gotten better because I was actually communicating with them. For a moment things actually looked like they were gonna get better for me but like everything in life sometimes sacrifices must be made. As the months passed I started to feel worse, physically and mentally. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t think straight, I was starting to shut myself down from everything and everyone. I couldn’t find a job, no matter how qualified I was and it was starting to take a toll on me. At 24, I thought I was gonna have my life figured out or at least progressed a bit more, you know the usual, get married, have kids and find our little own place to live. I kept seeing everyone I knew progressing in their lives and I was happy for them, don’t get me wrong, but at the same time some jealousy started to come out. I honestly couldn’t take it anymore, I had to do something and fast. So I started applying for jobs online in different states. I was done with Puerto Rico, there was nothing there for me and even if it hurt I had to accept it. Eventually I found a job here in Colorado and that was the first unexpected twist in this year.

May to October: The Hard Times

Bags were packed and goodbyes were said. May 18th was the day a new chapter started for me. I was terrified because I honestly felt like I wouldn’t be able to do this on my own without any help. I had to leave my comfort zone, my family and everyone I ever cared about just because I had something to prove to them and myself. There was no going back now, I needed to do this for me. Things are never easy, especially in life, so if you think that as soon as I left things got better and dandy, you are so wrong. My first few months were hard. I wasn’t sleeping or eating at all. I felt homesick, scared and depressed. It was just me, on my own, surrounded by strangers, and I felt like I didn’t belong here at all, I thought to myself maybe this was a mistake.

I knew I couldn’t go back home, I mean why would I? I would have failed once more and accomplished nothing so I fought through it. As the months passed things started to get a bit better. I started making friends, I was getting good at my job, and for once I felt like things were actually starting to go my way but once again an unexpected twist happened. I lost someone I considered a brother to depression. I had woken up to a bunch of texts saying that he had committed suicide. It hit me hard, because weeks before he kept trying to call me and just to talk and kept pushing him off so of course there was a sense  of guilt and blame. I know most of you will probably say ” Oh Jesse, don’t blame yourself, he made his choice” but the thing is sometimes just talking to someone can make a difference. Who knows, maybe if I had actually talked to him he would still be here. For weeks I laid in my room alone letting my guilt drown me. I felt like I had not just failed him as a friend but I failed myself. I had promised that I would always be there to help those I care about especially when it comes to their mental health because I know how hard it is to face it alone and THE ONE time someone actually needed me to be there for them, I disappear. I started to feel worse than before. I ran out of medication, and the rebound was getting to me. Each day I was getting worse and worse to the point that people at my job were starting to notice. I wasn’t sleeping, eating, or socializing. It was just me in a dark room. I started to feel like death was the only escape. It was exhausting trying to keep up appearances around everyone, to the point that I tried to avoid work as much as possible. As the months passed I started to get worse. I was reaching my point of no return, which scared me because last time I reached that point I tried to commit suicide at least 4 times. The thought of death shrouded my mind. I could have ended it all so easy. A simple jump from my balcony, wrist cuts, or even taking some pills was all I needed to do and it would be over but part of me wasn’t ready for me to give up. I needed to fight this, and take control back of my life.

November to December: The Season Finale

A lot of things changed these months. A lot of my friends had gone back home to their lives. My little brother was here with me trying to work and succeed. I started to take my medication again and was starting to feel better. I had a new job and made new friends as well, once again things were starting get better for me but life had one last surprise for me. It’s true what they say, you never really know where life is gonna take you. One minute you have your life planned out and then BOOM plans change. I thought I was meant to stay here in Colorado and make a life for myself but things change. After overthinking for days, analyzing every outcome, and what’s better for me and my brother. I decided to move to Florida the beginning of next year. For a moment I thought it was a bad and reckless idea but after getting many signs I feel like it’s the best thing for me now.

The End:

Being here for these months has been a life changing experience for me. I learned so many things and met so many amazing people that have become family. Even with all the struggles and situations I went through there were some positive outcomes like personal growth, maturity, and experiences. There’s still 2 more days left before this year ends and I honestly can’t wait to see what 2018 has in store for me. Will it be another life changing year? Probably! Will there be struggles and obstacles for me? Hell yeah but whatever happens I’m ready to face it.

Here’s to us! For making it through another tough year!

Have a great New Year’s Eve and an even better New Year’s!

Stay Safe!

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Letter to a Former Love (Closure)

Hey,

It’s been months, I hope you are well. You might ask yourself why I’m writing this letter to you after all this time. You might think is because I want you back, that I miss us, that I just want attention or that I realized that I can’t live without you, but no it’s not any of those reasons. The reason I’m writing this to you is for both our sake. Consider it a closure to our story. Leaving you was one of the hardest things I had to do, even if you don’t think it was.

For months I spend night and day thinking about you, regretting my decision to leave. I even wanted to go back and despite all the sacrifices I made to try to have a future and do something with my life because at that moment I thought you were my life. Worked kept me distracted during the days, but at nights my mind took over, showing all those memories of us. Every late night conversation, every date, every text, every kiss and laugh. It was eating me alive. I did my best to keep myself busy and not go home because I knew what that meant. I tried to be strong but sometimes people, myself included, confuse being strong with pride. I let my pride get in the way. So many times I wanted to call or text to tell you how I felt, how I wanted things to go back to how they were but pride kept holding me back.

As few months passed I realized that we both were starting to get use to being apart. We both were moving on, one faster than the other.  People kept asking me about you, how a couple like us would break up despite everything we’ve been through, and some even kept me update on everything related to you even though I never asked them. More months passed and I realized I was finally moving on. I accepted the fact that we didn’t belong together. That we were only meant to be in each other’s life at a crucial moment, because let’s be honest our timing was perfect. We were at a stage in our lives where we need someone to be there for us, to catch us when we were falling, to support us, to be our shoulder to cry on but mostly to prevent us from going on down a path we would never come back from. Yeah, there we hard times, just like every other relationship but we managed.

A month ago I saw that you were with someone, and it brought tears to my eyes. Not the hurt kind, at least not anymore, but the kind of tears you cry when someone you truly care about is finally happy. Thanks for everything, the memories, the laughs and even the tears. I am forever grateful. Just know that where ever our paths lead us I wish you best because you deserve to be happy and loved, even if it isn’t with me. As I finish writing this letter I delete the last of our pictures together, not because it pains me to see them but because like you, I want to give myself a chance to fall in love again, and that means letting memories of us be actual memories.

Just know that I am happy.

That I don’t hate you and never did.

That I truly wish you the best.

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Progress Report.

Hey everyone,

So I got messages and emails from a lot of you asking how I was feeling and it something was wrong with me ( thanks by the way guys I honestly didn’t know that many of you cared.) Well I honestly wasn’t feeling well at all. My depression and anxiety skyrocketed to the point that I once again thought about suicide, which I haven’t thought about in almost a year. Things were pretty bad for me, I couldn’t sleep, eat, or even be around people because I felt I was gonna have a panic attack in front of them and to this point I still refuse to let people see me at me weakest.

Everyday I kept getting worse. I was feeling overwhelmed, defeated and weak. It was a struggle to even get out of bed so I just laid there for hours, even days without showering, and avoiding human contact. My brother started to notice some signs about my state of mind, I mean he lived with me for years so of course he’s gonna notice the sudden changes. He tried so much to get me off my bed and out but as much he tried he wasn’t succeeding. I went out a few times in a matter of minutes, sometimes on my way to the gathering I would turn around and run back to my room.

So there I laid in complete darkness, crying, thinking about ending it all. I brought a razor to my room. As the days passed I stared at it thinking how easy and quick it would be to just end it. Even my mom started to notice my change, even if she’s in another state. I would usually call her at least twice every week, text her pretty much every day and all of the sudden it just stopped completely. She knew something I wasn’t okay, so she decided to talk to my doctor and get me back on my meds again. Yeah, I was on meds for a while and after I moved to Colorado I decided to stop taking them because I thought I didn’t need them, man was I wrong. The rebound of letting those pills go hit me harder than ever. Every month I kept getting worse but once October started that’s when I felt that I was heading straight to that point of no return.

I started taking my meds again, and I’m stabilizing. I’m sleeping, eating, waking up in a pretty good mood, not getting anxious at work and even made new friends. The process takes sometime because obviously I had to start all over but my mind is clearer now, little things don’t trigger me that much and even though sometimes thoughts of my past decide to haunt me I feel like I have a bit more control of my emotions and thoughts.

Thanks for reading guys, I’ll keep you posted on my status.

Also be on the look out for more posts. If you haven’t liked my page on Facebook you really should and if you have then tell your friends to follow my blog and follow me on Facebook. Byeeeee.

 

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