Loss.

So, today I woke up and got ready for work just like any other day. As I was about to go to work I get a phone call with some surprising yet tragic news. A friend of mine, a brother, had committed suicide. He had lost his battle with depression and I couldn’t be more heartbroken. I admit I’m somewhat mad at him for what he did and part of me just wants to kick his ass because he deserved better, he had so much to live for, and so much potential.

Yeah, some of you might say that I’m being a selfish asshole because I “don’t understand what he was going through” but I do. He felt alone, insecure, unworthy, as if the weight of the world was crashing down on him and that’s exactly how I feel sometimes. What hurts is the fact that I feel like I could have done more for him. I’ve spent all day feeling not just sad but guilty, as if this outcome was my fault. I felt in a way selfish because I decided to leave and start a new chapter in my life and for a moment forgot about those I care about.

The only thing that kept me going today was my team. They were so supportive and comforting to me about the whole situation and it felt great knowing that I wasn’t alone. A lot of us just want some type of support from someone. You guys have no idea how a simple “I’m here for you”, “If you need to talk I’m here” can truly make a difference. I thought about how his last days must have been, feeling scared and alone because everyone forgot about him even me and that’s something I have to live with now. Guilt can be a bitch, especially if you let it consume you. I have to accept the fact that not everyone can be saved, no matter how hard I try.

I’m gonna miss you brother, thanks for all the good memories, all the laughs, the random conversations. I’m just glad you were part of my life. I couldn’t save you  and I am so sorry but I promise you that I’ll try my best to prevent someone from sharing the same fate as you.

Until we meet again.

If you or anyone you know is suffering from depression and/or shows signs of suicide PLEASE contact help. There’s a lot of help lines, myself included that are willing to help. Don’t fight this battle alone.

20046723_10207711300100558_8135304884545606000_n

The Woods.

I grabbed my backpack and headed out. I felt trapped in my own room, weird huh, you would think your room would be the only place you would feel comfortable and safe. My mind lately has been extremely active whether is overthinking or simply replaying memories I honestly don’t want to remember over and over. I needed to get out as soon as possible so I grabbed my headphones and started walking with no destination whatsoever. I walked over 3 miles looking for a place I could be myself and that’s when I found this trail. I decided to follow it all the way through. I walked for about 45 minutes and then decided to stop because my feet were killing me. I found myself surrounded by trees, no one around, not a sound.

For a few minutes I sat there quietly admiring the beauty and that’s when it hit me again.

*For those that don’t know most depressive people are “overthinkers” even about the simplest of things which also means we our mind makes escalate everything.

I started to feel anxious again. I started breathing faster and faster. My heart felt like it was gonna come out of my chest. Tears started coming out, I asked myself why was I feeling like this again, I just wanted it to stop. I closed my eyes and let my mind go.

So many things from my past came back to haunt me…

Heartbreaks…

Disappointments…

Humiliations…

Grudges…

Fears…

I needed to let all this go for real this time. I needed to stop lying to myself and just hiding them under a rug hoping that they will never come out again. I’m tired of dragging all this shit with me. I feel exhausted both physically and mentally. I thought about how far I’ve come, about how much I have grown these past years, about all the new experiences I have lived, and about the life I have now. I have a good life, I have a job I love. I’m surrounded by people who love and support me. I work with a group of amazing people that are quickly becoming a second family to me.

So why do I keep letting my past overshadow my present?

I opened my eyes.

I felt calmer, even my breathing slowed down.

Acceptance was the first step.

There I laid in the center of all those trees. Just me and my thoughts and for the first time in weeks I felt peaceful.

 

untitled

#FaceToFace

Hey guys, welcome back. Yes, I’ve been absent from this and for that I apologize but I’m finally starting to have an actual social life with real people lol.

A few days ago I went on the bus to run a few errands and I noticed something I was to oblivious to notice before. The bus was pretty much completely full and everyone was sitting there on their phones. Now, you might think “well that’s not a big deal Jesse I do the same” but for once I asked and wondered how things use to be back then without technology.

Have we really reach that point where there’s zero social interaction with other people unless is on Facebook, Twitter, etc.?

What ever happened to striking up a conversation with someone face to face?

The bus ride was about 35 minutes and for those 35 minutes it was completely silence. No one even bothered to look to their side and see who was sitting next to them, say a simple “Hello” or even smiled at someone.

I’ve always been a shy person so striking up a conversation with someone is extremely hard for me but after seeing all these people on their phones I decided to at least try and talk to this lady that was sitting next to me. Let me tell you it was great. In a way I even felt proud of myself for taking that step.

Which is why I am making my own challenge called #FacetoFace which means that every day I will try to start a conversation with a random person I meet on the street, the bus, the store, or even at work. It would be great if you guys would actually be part of this and actually share with me your stories and experiences.

Anyways, until next time guys.

P.S: Now just so you guys know I am not bashing on technology or social media. I honestly love it.

 

technology

First Month in Vail

Welcome back guys,

I’ve officially been here in Colorado for exactly a month now. It hasn’t been easy at all. I’m still homesick, I still miss my life, my friends and family but I guess that’s never gonna stop. I believe that there’s a silver lining to everything and I think I found mine. Ever since I’ve been here I pretty much been forced to get out of my comfort zone multiple times (pretty much every day) but it has helped so much. I feel like I’ve grown a bit since I’ve been here. My social skills have gotten a bit better not just with guests but also with the people I work with.

I can honestly tell you now that I have friends. Yes, friends. No, not imaginary.

It’s amazing how life works. You start working somewhere where you basically don’t know anyone. It’s awkward at first because you feel so out of place, but then as the days go by you start to actually enjoy spending time with these people eventually even caring for them and then they become family. I work with an amazing group of people that I am honored to have met.

Ever since I’ve been here I’ve been focusing on me, which is something I haven’t done in a long time. I spent most of my life trying to please others and doing what they thought was best for me. Whether it was changing who I am, choosing what to study, choosing a path for me, or even putting my life on hold for them. Now, after years, I finally feel like I’m in control again. I can decided WHAT I want to do with my life and it feels great.

I do miss the life I had. I miss the people. I miss my family. I miss being loved.

Do I regret coming here? Not at all. In life we sometimes have to make sacrifices, leave the people we love the most, all fear and doubt behind to cross new bridges.

Here’s to another amazing month full of surprises, new experiences and growth.

P.S. Yes I took this picture.

19105854_1734852023474741_8507604063258103124_n

 

 

Fear.

Welcome back,

So lately I’ve been feeling shitty, insecure and depressed. I have to admit that these few weeks haven’t been all good to me. Today I woke up and decided to cease the day. Got up early, showered, took my medication and even went and bough some coffee. At first the day seemed pretty average, same as the others, but something different happened. A few of my new co-workers were selected to go and experience the Zip Line Tour here in Vail, CO. Lucky for me I was chosen as well.

I am terrified of heights in case you didn’t know.

So we gathered up, got our equipment and took the safety orientation. There I am, trying to play it cool in front of everyone, not wanting to show my fear. So as we walked to the tower to begin our tour I thought about all the things I’ve wanted to do in my life but never did out of fear. Whether it was making friends, telling a girl how I really felt about her, fighting for a goal, or a dream I wanted. Fear has held me back from a lot, and yeah I’ve regretted so many things but unfortunately I can’t go back in time. Once up there the fear really started to kick in. I could feel myself slowly panicking. I was ready to drop everything and run away. Run Away, some I’ve always done.

A wise man once said “A life lived in fear is a life half lived”

I’ve been living my life in fear for far to long. I needed to do this. It was my turn everything was set up all I needed to do is walk off the ledge. Just. One. Step. My heart started to beat really fast, palms are sweaty and I feel a cold chill going down my spine. This is it. Either I face this or I let fear win again. I take a deep breath and I walk off the ledge. I did it. It felt amazing. As I zipped through the trees and the beauty of Vail I felt proud of myself, something I haven’t felt in so long. I had done it. I had conquered a fear of mine.

The great thing of conquering a fear is that it gives such a confidence boost. You feel like you can accomplish anything, that you and only is holding you back. I needed this experience because I honestly feel more confident about myself, about being here in Colorado, about starting a new chapter and about making not just my family proud but also myself.

P.S It was pretty badass!!!!!

19029208_10207421193168066_2103085029919419336_n

Homesick.

At some point in our lives we reach that stage where we move on to bigger and better things all on our own without the safety and comfort of our family. This stage is one of the hardest we face because we are leaving pretty much everything we had behind. Whether is our family, friends, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc. in the end we all do it for our own future. As you know I left everything and everyone I loved to start a new chapter in my life. It hasn’t been easy at all waking up and not being in MY room and having my family around. Being in a new place where I pretty much don’t know anyone, and have no one close to help me when I desperately need help.

Some of you might ask ” Then why the hell did you leave?” and the answer is simple I needed to. I needed to leave that comfort and face the world all on my own. Yes, I’m terrified, yes I miss the comfort, but this will help in the long run. I’ve felt like I haven’t experienced little to no things in my 24 years of life, so I decided to take a risk and see where this leads. I miss my family. I miss all of them even if sometimes they get on my nerves they were the ones who kept me from falling down into my depression again. In life there are sacrifices that must be made to achieve our goals. I sacrificed so much to be here I cant give up and I’m not planning too, but I am scared. Scared that I won’t be able to be on my own. Scared that I’ll disappoint my family again or worse, myself.

This place is beautiful, but is not home, at least it doesn’t feel like it yet. Sometimes I feel like this is all a dream and that I’ll open my eyes and be back in PR. I have to make the best of it. I have to do this for me. I need to prove to myself that I can be on my own. That I can face any obstacle in my way. That I can get out of  my comfort zone. I gotta make not just myself but my family proud and even though I miss them so much, I’m right where I have to be.

 

Placeholder Image

Recap of my first week in Vail.

Hello everyone and welcome back. Yes, I have been gone for a while and for that I apologize. Many of you know that I found a job in Colorado and that I was moving mid May. After weeks of being MIA I’m back to give you a quick recap of what has happened since I got here.

May 18: So this was the day I left PR, it was such a bittersweet moment to leave my family. The whole ride to the airport was long and quiet. I was trying to hold back the tears as much as I could so that I could look strong and confident in front of my family when I was actually terrified. After checking in it was time to say goodbye. I hugged my brother and my mom so tight I was hoping that time would stop. The day was extremely long 3 flights and a 3 hour bus ride to my new home. One I got there it was about 9:40pm and the leasing office was closed. So to my luck I had nowhere to sleep. Exhausted from the flights and completely jetlagged I ended up sleeping in the laundry room since it was the only warm room opened…did I mentioned it was snowing and the temperature was at 32!

May 19: I finally saw the building manager and he set me up in a room with a couple of roommates. As I was getting on the elevator to go to my room I started to get anxious and nervous and my social phobia started to kick in. I am terrible at making new friends. I get nervous, anxious and feel nauseous. Once I got to the room there they were my new roommates. Who by the way are complete opposites of me in every way possible!!! I went directly to my bedroom and pretty much hid there the whole weekend.

May 22-26: It was my first week of training, I met all the supervisors and my new coworkers. I did not talk for the whole training session. I tried I really did but words wouldn’t come out. I honestly just wanted to kick my own ass. Eventually I managed to try to maintain a conversation with a few people which was a huge step for me.

So yeah that was a quick recap. Nothing huge really. While walking around I realized that pretty much everyone here is so nice and friendly to the point that I find it kinda creepy lol. I walked around Vail (in case you were wondering where am I) and this place is just beautiful (gonna post a few pics below). So I survived pretty much two weeks here and I’m still trying to get use to the weather, the people, and the distance. I have yet to make any friends but I’m hoping soon I’ll have at least two or three I can hang out and talk with. Thanks for reading and hopefully I’ll have something else for you this week.

 

18527651_10207301005203442_6627167547031758289_n18620207_10207301370772581_3911575385498616306_n