A moment of honesty

So guys once again I haven’t been writing that much here, not because I don’t want to, but because I have a lot on my mind lately. I haven’t been feeling well at all. I haven’t been sleeping, I’m always tired, I have zero motivation to do anything, I just wanna be alone in my room (which is pretty much impossible considering I share a room with my brother). These fast few days have been bad. I feel like I’m slowly starting to fall again to that dark place. My family doesn’t know because I honestly feel like they don’t understand what I’m going through. They think depression is just something people use as to get attention and no matter what I tell them their day to day problems are always superior to mine. I hate the fact they have to compare my issues with there’s when not only is a age difference involved but also an illness that’s just as bad a physical one, so I just keep it to myself since that’s what I’ve always done. Even though there’s people that care about me I refuse to make them pity me, I refuse to give them more stress than they already have because that’s who I am as a person I’d do anything to help others yet when it comes to me I feel like can deal with it myself and I know that’s wrong

Waking up is such a struggle to me because I can’t find the motivation to even get off my bed and do something so I just lay there for hours just staring at the ceiling, losing myself in my thoughts. Oh, my thoughts, they are not good at all. I think about death, about how the life of my friends, and loved ones would be if I wasn’t in this world anymore. Even if it’s not true I feel like their lives would be better just because I feel I’m a burden. I think about how my life would be if I had made other choices, maybe I wouldn’t be where I am now, who knows I could have had my life together. In my 24 years I feel like I really haven’t accomplished much or nothing at all. In a few months I turn 25 and I feel like I’m stuck and life is just passing me by and all I can do is look at it.

It’s hard to pretend you’re okay when you really are not. Putting a mask on so that people don’t suspect. I feel like clown ( even though I’m terrified of them) all everyone sees are smiles but underneath that there’s just sadness, disappointment and fear. Fear that I’ll never accomplish anything, fear that I’ll never be good enough for anything, fear that I’ll always be a disgrace to my family. Every night I sit with my family to watch something on Netflix and I see them there laughing enjoying the moment and all I can do is fake a smile and hope that everything I’m feeling goes away.

Thanks for reading.

 

Dating Someone with Depression

Before I begin I’m not criticizing other relationships or my own. I didn’t write this so that you don’t give yourself a chance to find love, or for you to avoid dating someone who have any of these, with that being said, let’s begin.

 

How’s it like dating someone with depression? Let me tell you it’s not easy at all whether you’re the one with depression, or the other person. It’s something so challenging that a lot of people prefer not to deal with it. Now, I’m not saying that those people are assholes or anything like that, some just really don’t know how to deal with something that’s not “normal”.

So here’s how it feels to date someone with depression:

–We need constant reassurance: If you’re dating someone with depression you’re dating who’s really insecure about pretty much everything about themselves. Even though you might think you’ve won the lottery with someone like us, we honestly think you deserve so much better. We constantly need to hear how much you care about us, how much you love us and also show it.( although it’s something you should do regardless)

–We overthink and over analyze everything: Any simple thing , a change in voice tone, a short text, or simply telling them a story about something that happened to you can set this off. We will jump to so many conclusions and get so many wrong ideas.

For example: We call you and your voice tone is a bit different, maybe because you are tired, we could think that you’re just getting tired of them, and from that we could jump to the whole “you’re breaking up with us cause you probably found someone better”. (which is why you should ALWAYS reassure and show us how much we mean to you)

–Be ready for our episodes: Yes, we have episodes, depending on how we are feeling, the simplest thing might set us off. Something you might find not that important, or even stupid, affects us in ways you don’t understand. Yes, it can become overwhelming for you, but we can’t control it which becomes overwhelming for us. The best you can do is be there for us, try to understand us, show empathy and please be patient. This the point where a lot of people decide to end the relationship because they realize that they can’t deal with this for many reasons. They could have a lot in their plate already, they don’t have the level of maturity needed for this, or hell maybe they have depression too and it’s overwhelming for them to deal with our episodes and theirs as well.

–A lot of us are extremely negative people: Let me be honest most us are like a little dark cloud, but it’s not our fault, it’s cause by the same depression and insecurities. Maybe you’ve never dealt with someone like us before, and we understand it. It’s hard for you, imagine you having your life planned, where you wanna go to college, what you want for the future, and we’re stuck in this void of negativity thinking that we’ll never achieve anything in life, making us believe that there’s nothing for us when there actually is. So be ready for us, it’s not easy, but at the end of the day you just need to be patient with us and be our ray of hope and positivity.

Being in a relationship with someone with depression is extremely challenging, I won’t deny it, but it’s one of the most rewarding. I honestly can say that you’ll probably never find a love so pure and real like ours. The smallest thing, the simplest detail mean the world to us and so could you.

Be there for us and we’ll be there for you. Love us and we will love you more. Try to give us the moon and we’ll give you the sun.

Thanks for reading

 

 

 

 

 

 

Letters of Apologies

Mom,

I’m sorry for not being the son you wanted me to be. I’m sorry for being unstable, for not studying what you wanted me to study, for all those nights you went to bed crying because my issues were to overwhelming for you, for not having my life figured out at 24, for being stubborn and not listen to your advice. I’m sorry for trying to kill myself a few times without even considering how devastating it would have been to you, for not caring about any of you guys, for not accomplishing anything and especially for not showing you how grateful I am for everything you’ve done.

Dad,

I’m sorry for believing every single thing you told me. I’m sorry for letting my immature mind believe all those empty promises you made me, for trying my hardest to make you proud and not once achieving it, for all those fights we had and the many times I wanted to end my life because of you, for all those moments you said I was worthless that at some point I started to believe it, for all those times you kept kicking me out and I kept coming back, for all those times I let you humiliate me in front of everyone and didn’t say anything.

Bullies,

I’m sorry for letting all of you mentally fuck me up and scaring me for life. I’m sorry for never standing up to you all, for falling into peer pressure just so you guys would accept me,  for all those times I cried because I didn’t want to go to school, for all those times I felt I wasn’t strong enough and unworthy because of you.

Ex Lovers,

I’m sorry for getting my heartbroken by all of you, for feeling like I wasn’t good enough, for letting my life be controlled by someone other than me, for accepting being cheated on multiple times, for being someone I’m not just so you’d like me, for all those times I wasted my tears on all of you when weren’t worth it.

Past Me,

I’m sorry for everything we’ve been through I know it wasn’t easy but we survived. I’m sorry for all those stupid decisions I made that ended up messing our life up even more than it was already messed up, for all those times I wanted us to take the easy way out and just end our story, for all those times I wanted us to be strong but let our fears and insecurities take over, for destroying and giving up on all the dreams we had, and for not accepting us as we are.

Present Me,

I’m not sorry for anything. Everything we’ve been through, every heartbreak, every decision has led us to this moment. We’ve grown, matured, and learned so much all these years, we didn’t become the person others wanted us to be, but we became the best version of ourselves. We lived half our lives trying to please others and putting them over ourselves, trying to make them proud of us when we weren’t even proud of ourselves, letting them walk all over us and corrupt our minds and self esteem with lies, but no more. Now we stand more confident than ever, stronger, smarter, and it’s all thanks to all those people we let influence our lives in the past. Keep your head up because times will get tough, but as long as you don’t give up, in the end, you’ll see how much it was worth it. Our time is coming…

Venting: In Pain

There’s something I need to get off my chest…

There is always gonna be people out there who will try anything to bring you down including making you doubt your talents and quit something you’re passionate about. A lot of you have been extremely supportive of my blog/page and I’m always grateful for that but also there’s been a few of you who’ve tried to make me doubt my blog, to the point of making me quit and shutting everything down. I’ve always let other’s influence me i…n everything I do, especially the negative but I’ve managed to stay strong because I focus more on the support I get from all of you.

Today I saw something that broke my heart. I saw a kid crying, heartbroken and disappointed. Why? Because he decided to share with the world something he’s passionate about which is music and people actually are making fun of him because of that! I honestly cannot explain the pain I felt watching this kid deciding to quit because of others.

In this world there will always be people who will try to bring you down to their level because of their own envy. They will make fun of you, talk shit and bully until you start doubting yourself and that’s something I’M NOT FUCKING OKAY WITH!

How dare people make fun of him just because he wanted to share something that makes him happy. FUCK EM! DON’T LET ANYONE MAKE YOU DOUBT YOURSELF ABOUT WHAT YOU LOVE AND ARE PASSIONATE ABOUT.

 

 

 

Cyberbullying: The Evolution

Back then there were simpler times and bullying was a face to face thing. You would mostly get physically hurt and harassed by someone. Nowadays things have changed a bit, living in a world where technology and electronics have taken over, this generation has created a new way of bullying called Cyberbullying.

What is Cyberbullying?

-Cyberbullying is bullying  that takes place using electronic technology, which includes devices and equipment such as cell phones, computers, and tablets as well as communication tools including social media sites, text messages, chat, and websites.

Cyberbullying can happen 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, much worse than back then when you were bullied for a few hours but then you would go home and forget about it for a while(not that I’m saying that normal bullying is not as important as cyberbullying). Thanks to all the social media pages we have today, cyberbullying has never been so easy, from starting a rumor, videos, photo-shopped pictures, harassment and insults over text messages and even phone calls. All this can affect someone to the point that they think that suicide is the only escape from all this (fact: Suicide is the No.3 cause of death of teens in the U.S) Now, cyberbullying doesn’t necessarily just happens in school, sometimes in doesn’t even have to be a classmate, it could be a teacher or even a parent or someone you don’t even know using a fake profile made just to target you and others (Catfish)

One the worse things about cyberbullying is that at some point it does take a toll on you, with all the constant harassment it cause you to actually believe in a way that what they’re saying about is true. They create this insecurity in you and you start to feel like you’re worthless or even worse it can cause depression which leads to suicidal thoughts and eventually suicide attempt.

We are living in a generation where everyone has a phone, or a tablet or a laptop, and that’s including kids from 4-10 years old which is an easier target because their mind hasn’t fully grown and matured and this could scar them for life.

Good thing is since cyberbullies use technology to hurt, we can use technology to help all those victims. Right now there’s a lot of websites, foundations and even a hotline to help all those who are being victimized. So I encourage every one of you that if you or someone you know is being cyberbullied please help them. You can be their hope and the one thing that stands between life and death for them. Let’s make this world better one small step at a time.

Cyberbullying Hotline: 1-800-420-1479

For someone who was cyberbullied I know how it feels to be insecure, and to think that death is the only escape but it’s not, you are worth so much more than you think and if someone does this to you is probably because they’re jealous or they see the potential that they’ll never have. Don’t let them win, you are stronger than you think.

Thanks for reading

I hope this helps someone.

 

 

 

Between a Sword and a Wall

In life there’s always that moment or moments where you feel trapped between a sword and a wall. The moment where you have to make decision that could be a benefit to you on the long run or spiral you to a deeper level of regret. Whether is related to your education or even a relationship these decisions come always at a very unexpected time and it’s considered an important learning/ maturing moment.

As I had to learn the hard way, these decisions cannot only affect you , but also the people around you, but you still have to focus on what you want even if it’s not what others want.(YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE YOUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY.) Yeah for some of you may sound selfish (omg did Jesse really say that? How can one not prioritize their family, friends or partners?) let me tell you something your life is YOUR story, not theirs. Every decision you make should be in your favor, convenience, happiness, and health. If you’re in a bad relationship and you feel like it’s slowly draining you, affecting your physical or mental health, then why are you in it?!

Simple a lot of us (Including myself) feel and understand everyone’s emotion and situations to the point that we feel sympathy which is felling sorry for them and that sometimes keeps us in those relationships because we care more about the other person that ourselves and that at some point can be a bad thing. A lot of us hate disappointing others to the point that we just do what they tell us to do just so they can be happy and feel satisfied while we keep damaging ourselves and getting deeper into something we don’t want.

A lot of people with depression and insecurities go through this because they wanna either feel accepted by others or they just wanna make them happy. Besides relationships there’s also the case about your education. Let’s say you wanna study music but your parents want you to study something in the medical branch just because they think being a musician is “NOT A REAL JOB” and once you feel you don’t have their support you simply succumb to what they want and end up studying something you’re not passionate about and have no interest. In the long run it affects you not them. This is your story, everyone else is just a second character or a guest star. You choose what you wanna do, what you wanna study, what you wanna do with your life, who you want to date and above all you choose what makes you happy.

There will always be times where you’re stuck between that wall and sword and no matter what decision you make there’s always someone who will disappointed , just make sure that person is not you. Be your #1 priority because in the end you’ll live full of regrets and fears and as a man once said ” A life lived in fear is a life half lived”.

Thanks for reading.

 

To all those going through some shit…

I know life is hard. It’s full of heartbreaks, sadness, disappointments, hard times and obstacles that seem impossible to overcome, but trust me when I say that it’s gonna get better eventually. Don’t give up, you’re stronger than you think and even if you don’t believe it you can get through all this and still keep walking with your head up high. The key here is to not give up when things don’t go your way. Trust me, keeping a positive attitude towards things helps a lot. See it this way if you happen to get fired from your job, or your relationship ended badly just think that something better will come because something better WILL COME. Everything happens for a reason and even if you don’t believe that there’s a God, at least know that there’s a purpose for everything and maybe you don’t see it that way at first you will eventually.

Take it from me I’ve been through so much from losing jobs and finding myself economically screwed to the point that I don’t even have for gas, a haircut or even to buy a bag of chips. Being heartbroken to the point I am terrified of falling in love and commitment that I tend to avoid it at all cost. Even worse to the point where I lose all purpose of life and just wanna give up on everything. It’s hard, especially getting back up after stuff like that but I’m here to tell you that  YOU CAN DO THIS. You’re not alone there’s always people looking out for you even if you don’t think so and if there’s no one just know that I’m here for you. Let’s face all this together. I’ll have your back if you have mine. Let’s spread hope and positivity to those who need it. To those who are heartbroken and need a shoulder to cry on. To those who need a job so they can support their families. To those who go to bed every night wishing to never wake up again. Let’s be each other’s hope and together let’s make a difference in this dark, negative, violent, judgemental world one small step at a time.

Thanks for reading and I truly hope this helps someone in some way.

Love you guys.

Self Esteem:The Inner Battle

A lot of us have this inner battle that no one knows about and it seems that It’s hard of for some to understand. Self esteem is a big issue for some of us. What is self esteem? Well it’s the general evaluation that we do of ourselves. Self esteem reflects how we look and accept ourselves.

-High self esteem shows that we see ourselves in a positive way

-Low self esteem shows that we see ourselves in a negative way.

Having a good self esteem is important because studies that people who do have a higher capacity to face adversities, challenges and tend to be happier. It gives us a sense of security and the mind set that one is capable of achieving their goals (which obviously you all can). Also gives us a sense of purpose in life and that we actually belong in society. A negative vision of ourselves is a huge factor for things like phobias, depression, stress, anxiety, insecurity, relationship problems, etc. Loving ourselves is fundamental. There’s no other way of recognizing ourselves worthy of anything. Having good self esteem is the first step to the psychological growth and makes us feel better about us. Now, I’m not referring to the dark side of self esteem like narcissism or having a huge ego, feeling like “I’m better than everyone because I’m unique and special”. I’m talking about the general capacity to recognize. without shame or fears, our strengths and virtues that we possess and use them in a effective way in our lives.

Guys, criticizing ourselves is not necessarily a bad thing as long as is in a convenient and productive way to learn and grow. Now, if it’s use in a cruel way it can generate stress and affect negatively our self concept. If you use like that you’ll end up thinking bad about yourself no matter what you do. I’ve met people that can’t stand each other and reject themselves ( ” I wish I was skinny.” “I wish I was smart and pretty.” and the list goes on.) They always compare themselves to others in every way and you’ll hear them say “I can’t stand myself”, “I’m a disaster.” “Why can’t I be as pretty as ____”

The thing is that I know is not an easy task, I’m still working on mine after all this years and all I can tell you is that having a low self esteem does really affect every aspect of your life from relationships, to jobs, to goals. Don’t self criticize too hard, you’re a human who’s still learning. Fuck those stereotypes that society has planted in the world. You are amazing and beautiful and smart, you just need to accept it yourself. Thanks for reading and I truly hope this helps someone.

Venting: Alone

Hey everyone now on my last post I talked to you guys about depression so tonight I wanna take the time to talk to you about loneliness. A lot of people think that when someone says that they feel lonely it’s simply because they’re literally alone in a space. Loneliness is a phenomenon with huge repercussions on the dynamic and psychological function of a person. It could be described as an unpleasant experience that’s painful, and worse, it doesn’t necessarily mean social isolation. Various investigations can confirm that feeling alone can affect your mental as well as your physical health. Recently loneliness has been related to depression, alcoholism, obesity, and lack of sleep. There’s two types of loneliness.

Social loneliness- is the lack of relationships with people which may cause the person to think that they’re not accepted by others which leads to isolation.

Emotional loneliness- is the absence of close relationships, by this I mean, close significant relationships for the person that give them a sense of security. The absence of this type of relationship is associated with sensations of emptiness and the desire to share a life with someone.

A PERSON CAN STILL FEEL LONELY EVEN IF THEY’RE SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE!!!!!!

Here are some tips to help with loneliness:

-Identify which type of loneliness we’re experiencing and to what circumstances it’s the cause.

-Take the initiative to find and form new relationships ( even if you’re scared)

-Find the type of people we are interested in whether they’re geeks, skaters, etc and build a strategy to interact with them.

-Take the risk to participate in new activities that will lead to meeting new people and the sensation of belonging to something.

-Review our own thoughts that limit us to interact like ” I’m to old for this” “Why would I try this now” “What if they don’t like me?”

And last but not least…

-There’s always gonna be people that want to meet other people, open groups who wants to welcome new members and there’s always gonna be someone willing to help those in need. DONT USE THE EXCUSE OF ” IT’S BETTER TO BE ALONE THAN TO BE IN BAD COMPANY”. There’s something known as ” FEELING AND BEING WELL ACCOMPANIED” and guys, trust me, it’s always possible if you’re willing to take the risk.

I hope this helps someone.

Love you guys.

 

 

 

Venting: Even heroes need saving

Hey everyone, I know I’ve been away for a while and I apologize for that. One of the reasons I made this blog is to help people deal with their mental illness and suicidal thoughts but in that journey I stumbled and fell back again into my own abyss and went to a dark place I thought I left behind and I am sorry for that. I thought about helping everyone with their burdens and completely forgot about mine until eventually all that weight was to much for me. After being in a Psychiatric Hospital for a week I am back and feeling good again. I still have a lot of work to do with myself but now we can take this journey together. Now, with that being said I wanna talk to you guys about DEPRESSION

This is a huge problem that frequently cannot be detected, but it’s more common than we think. In other words, depression is an emotional problem that feels like an intense sadness, pain, defeat and unhappiness. Depression doesn’t let us enjoy life in any way and makes us see everything in a negative way. This can affect anyone, during any aspect in life or age. Depression is one of the most complex problems that affect us humans. It’s origin can be emotional, biological or even genetic. It has been proved that when you have depression the brain shows an unbalance on the neurotransmitters dopamine and serotonine (?) In an emotional and psychological aspect it’s possible that depression is shown as an intense state of sadness caused my the loss of a family member, a traumatic experience or even stressful situations. Also diseases like cancer, Parkinson’s, cardiovascular problems and even hormonal problems could lead the person to a depressive state. If you or someone you know shows some signs of depression please talk to them and help them through it. Even though they’re denying it on the inside they’re crying out for help.

Remember, you can make a difference in someone’s life with the smallest act.

Love you guys.