A moment of honesty

So guys once again I haven’t been writing that much here, not because I don’t want to, but because I have a lot on my mind lately. I haven’t been feeling well at all. I haven’t been sleeping, I’m always tired, I have zero motivation to do anything, I just wanna be alone in my room (which is pretty much impossible considering I share a room with my brother). These fast few days have been bad. I feel like I’m slowly starting to fall again to that dark place. My family doesn’t know because I honestly feel like they don’t understand what I’m going through. They think depression is just something people use as to get attention and no matter what I tell them their day to day problems are always superior to mine. I hate the fact they have to compare my issues with there’s when not only is a age difference involved but also an illness that’s just as bad a physical one, so I just keep it to myself since that’s what I’ve always done. Even though there’s people that care about me I refuse to make them pity me, I refuse to give them more stress than they already have because that’s who I am as a person I’d do anything to help others yet when it comes to me I feel like can deal with it myself and I know that’s wrong

Waking up is such a struggle to me because I can’t find the motivation to even get off my bed and do something so I just lay there for hours just staring at the ceiling, losing myself in my thoughts. Oh, my thoughts, they are not good at all. I think about death, about how the life of my friends, and loved ones would be if I wasn’t in this world anymore. Even if it’s not true I feel like their lives would be better just because I feel I’m a burden. I think about how my life would be if I had made other choices, maybe I wouldn’t be where I am now, who knows I could have had my life together. In my 24 years I feel like I really haven’t accomplished much or nothing at all. In a few months I turn 25 and I feel like I’m stuck and life is just passing me by and all I can do is look at it.

It’s hard to pretend you’re okay when you really are not. Putting a mask on so that people don’t suspect. I feel like clown ( even though I’m terrified of them) all everyone sees are smiles but underneath that there’s just sadness, disappointment and fear. Fear that I’ll never accomplish anything, fear that I’ll never be good enough for anything, fear that I’ll always be a disgrace to my family. Every night I sit with my family to watch something on Netflix and I see them there laughing enjoying the moment and all I can do is fake a smile and hope that everything I’m feeling goes away.

Thanks for reading.

 

15996245_10206423014894233_1621901187_n

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “A moment of honesty

  1. Hola, no me gusta dar consejos, pero creo que sólo tú puedes salir de ese agujero. Yo también he pasado por ahí. Lo mejor es ir al médico y que te ayude, yo lo hice simplemente con el médico de cabecera, tomando pastillas flojas y que se pueden quitar de golpe cuando ya te encuentras bien.
    La vida es más simple de lo que nos parece, nosotros la hacemos complicada. Si no te gusta tu vida cámbiala, crea otras circunstancias, si siempre haces lo mismo pasará lo mismo.
    No es fácil, pero tampoco imposible. Si otros pueden tú también.
    Lo más importante es que salgas de tu habitación, al principio es así, yo estuve un mes sin coger el teléfono y sin salir y me quedaba mes y medio para hacer una oposición que decidía muchas cosas y un día me di cuenta que encerrada en mi casa todo iba a ir peor y decidí salir a estudiar a la biblioteca todo el día, cuando podía salía con alguna amiga y todo fue pasando.
    Te deseo lo mejor y sobre todo has de luchar por ti nadie más lo hará y teniendo a tu familia cerca seguro que puedes.
    Saludos

    Like

  2. This is how I feel most of the time. I’ve been trying to get my mind off things by doing some activities help alleviate the feeling of emptiness. I hope you get better soon. If you need any help don’t hesitate to ask!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s