Loss.

So, today I woke up and got ready for work just like any other day. As I was about to go to work I get a phone call with some surprising yet tragic news. A friend of mine, a brother, had committed suicide. He had lost his battle with depression and I couldn’t be more heartbroken. I admit I’m somewhat mad at him for what he did and part of me just wants to kick his ass because he deserved better, he had so much to live for, and so much potential.

Yeah, some of you might say that I’m being a selfish asshole because I “don’t understand what he was going through” but I do. He felt alone, insecure, unworthy, as if the weight of the world was crashing down on him and that’s exactly how I feel sometimes. What hurts is the fact that I feel like I could have done more for him. I’ve spent all day feeling not just sad but guilty, as if this outcome was my fault. I felt in a way selfish because I decided to leave and start a new chapter in my life and for a moment forgot about those I care about.

The only thing that kept me going today was my team. They were so supportive and comforting to me about the whole situation and it felt great knowing that I wasn’t alone. A lot of us just want some type of support from someone. You guys have no idea how a simple “I’m here for you”, “If you need to talk I’m here” can truly make a difference. I thought about how his last days must have been, feeling scared and alone because everyone forgot about him even me and that’s something I have to live with now. Guilt can be a bitch, especially if you let it consume you. I have to accept the fact that not everyone can be saved, no matter how hard I try.

I’m gonna miss you brother, thanks for all the good memories, all the laughs, the random conversations. I’m just glad you were part of my life. I couldn’t save you  and I am so sorry but I promise you that I’ll try my best to prevent someone from sharing the same fate as you.

Until we meet again.

If you or anyone you know is suffering from depression and/or shows signs of suicide PLEASE contact help. There’s a lot of help lines, myself included that are willing to help. Don’t fight this battle alone.

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