A look at the road I’ve walked

“This world is a dark and lonely place. I just want to disappear forever and end this pain that I feel. I don’t want to wake up in the mornings and at nights I go to bed hoping that I never wake up. It would be the best thing to do, to die, to leave this place. No one would care. I’m just a nobody. A disappointment. My family doesn’t care about me, I mean, why would they? I’m just a bother and nobody seems to want me in their life. I’ve thought about dying, it would be so easy to just take a razor and start cutting until I can’t feel anymore pain. To take some pills and just lay in bed until I’m gone. To run on the street and hoping a car will hit me crushing my bones and causing me internal bleeding and so much pain. I deserve it and I know I can handle it. To jump off a roof head first so that it would be quick. I hate myself so much. I hate how I’m not good looking, smart, talented, and everything else that makes everyone special. Why? Why am I not like the rest? Am I destiny’s ragdoll? God’s favorite toy? Fuck everything. Fuck my life. Fuck my future. There is no happy ending for me because nobodies don’t get happy endings they just vanish from this world with no one remembering them. As I write this last message  I say good bye to everything I once loved. To the dreams that will never come true. To the love that I never found or received. To the many times I laid in bed crying while the world kept spinning. I’m sorry for existing.”

 

4 years ago I was supposed to die. I had it all planned but something stopped me. Something inside me held me back. Beneath all that pain, suffering, suicidal thoughts, depression and anxiety my will to live was there. A lot of us with these issues think about just giving up and ending it but a lot don’t go through with it and they don’t know why. Sometimes the will to live is stronger than the illness. Even the smallest light can shine in the darkest room. I’m really glad I didn’t go through with it because I would have missed out of so many experiences and met so many amazing people who touched my life in so many ways. So don’t give up, ever. My fight is still going but I am stronger than ever.

 

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